Friday, September 08, 2006

Never ho-hum

Somebody told me once that only boring people get bored. I'd like to kick that person squarely in the fanny right now. I refuse to be boring. Denial suits me much better. Either way though, I can't deny that I'm bored silly. I'm stuck at home. The husband is wherever he's staying. The womanchild is at a football game and after that will be watching movies with her buddies. Scarface is the most appealing thing on TV, and I'm not in the mood for "little friends." All of my books either seem too heavy, too religion oriented (how did I get so many books on religions?), or too familiar. All of my music is hitting me as just not quite right. I'm simply not up to housework or paperwork right now, and I'm sick with myself that I can't think of something better to do that won't cost anything. I'm in saving mode and want to keep that momentum. That tiny feeling of virtue though isn't stronger than my dissatisfaction with my ability to be content with myself on my own.

I've been craving more privacy and time for myself for years, and suddenly I've had a lot of it, and I'm tired of it. Part of me thinks I'm just a big coward for not using this time well. I don't mean my usual schedule it with responsibilities and activities mode of time management, but using it to do what I really want.

That's the kicker right there. I've retrieved a few glimpses of the big dreams, but what would give me pleasure right now? What would I like to do? Damn, if I know. That's just wrong. It shows such a separation of consciousness from true self. I know what my responsibilities are, but I've got to find out what's fun again. I used to be fun. I used to stay up all night long laughing, not worrying. I have to believe that person is still alive inside me, even if surrounded by a lot of debris.

I do know that there is a big full moon out tonight, and it has to be cooler outside than it is in this oven of a house now. I know that the moon has always touched me in ways I don't understand, and I think I'll just go outside until the mosquitoes have had their fill of me and see what happens. It's not exciting, but it's a start at getting back to who I'm supposed to be.


Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Those hot southern days and nights used to make me physically and psychologically sick. I could never go back. I love my little corner of Ohio where the hot days are few and the winters are long and cold. It's been in the 70s here all week (in the daytime!). Cynthia, your disgruntlement is simply your recognition that you haven't been attending to your creative life for a long, long time. I can remember many days like the one you describe here, and I can also remember a final mental breaking point when I knew I had to start defining myself as a writer. You aren't bored, you're separated and lost. It's actually a good sign because your body and your soul recognizes something is wrong. Skeeters got something out of it, though. You got skeeter-eatered, didn't you!

September 08, 2006 10:16 PM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

Have you tried drinking? Just kidding!! I miss my time of being by myself. When Joe was in Cinti and I was in KY for all those months (six!! hard to believe) I reveled in the ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. I spent a lot of time writing on the blog...probably my most creative time. Now it seems I am totally cramped for me time....hard to have it both ways. I'd say your creativity is being reborn...

September 09, 2006 5:02 AM  
Blogger Shelina said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I've had many days like this myself. It is hard to adjust to change, and taking the time for introspection is just what you needed. Eventually you will find a passion, just give yourself time. Have you thought about quilting? :)

September 09, 2006 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

Brings to mind the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side."

September 09, 2006 11:36 AM  
Blogger Wenda said...

I'm looking forward to hearing how you resolve this ... and I feel certain from all I've read from you that you will.

September 09, 2006 7:10 PM  
Blogger IndigoSunMoon said...

This moon has been the prettiest one this whole year.

September 10, 2006 1:30 AM  

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