Friday, September 01, 2006

Catching up

Sometimes it's good to be incommunicado. I lost home telephone and computer service for a little over a week due to technical difficulties, and I really missed it, but it added so much peace to my home that I really came to enjoy it.

There are times that I feel that I live on the telephone and the computer. I'm confident about my audio and virtual presence where my appearance doesn't matter, and I can chunk those old insecurities about my looks in the garbage where they belong. Having to rely more on a face to face presence just to get through my daily responsibilities was good for me. It reminded me that looks really aren't as important as I sometimes make them out to be. Either that or I'm better looking than I realized. No, it's the former, not the latter. I've logged enough mirror hours in my lifetime not to fool myself.

The lack of a home telephone also put a more definite frame on my days. My habit is to charge my cell phone overnight, and that moment when I put it on its charger became a clear signal that day was done to me. With the portable phone on its base and my Bluetooth earpiece off, I had to disrupt other activities to answer the phone, and I realized just how much I blend work into my private life. It's one thing to neither have nor want a compartmentalized life where I'm one person when I'm working, another at home, another at church, another out in the community but something entirely different when the lack of boundaries doesn't allow privacy and full immersion in the activity at hand.

A few days after our telephone lines went down, our air conditioner froze up again, the fourth time this summer we've had problems. I don't do well in the heat, but I knew that I'd do even less well by heading over to my mother-in-law's for the couple of days it would take the unit to defrost. I didn't ask the husband to move out only to move in with him and his mother for awhile. The womanchild, on the other hand, did head across town. Apparently air conditioning is better than her mother's presence. I don't blame her. So, I've gotten an extra dose of privacy. In all honestly, I've needed it. There are times I want just the company of my own thoughts, even if those thoughts are on the level of "Should I watch Angel or Buffy reruns?"

However, the silence is getting old, and it feels good to hear the phone ring again. I've missed reading blogs. Our public library's filter system is apparently geared to protect the innocence of four year olds, and I wasn't able to access anybody's journal. I've missed writing here and reading comments. And it will be good to talk with the womanchild again in the comfort of our own environment.

I've been very lucky. My mother-in-law is treating me wonderfully, but I know that her son's and my marital problems have been a real worry for her. I don't want to presume too much by acting as if the relationship hasn't changed and hanging out at her house uninvited. It's just odd, but I should expect that. Our situation is odd. My husband and I love each other. We're talking. We're all in family counseling. He comes by several times a week. He's taking care of the lawn work and will do things like change ceiling mounted light bulbs for me. He'll take out the garbage without my asking. Heck, if he'd been doing these things more beforehand, he might still be here. We can have civil conversations, but the real problems still haven't been addressed, and until they are, I know what I have to do. Sometimes doing what you know is the right thing just bites. You do it and go on though.

It's been a time of good spiritual reflection for me, and I've been reminded of the spiral nature of growth. It's been one of those times that have felt like several steps back, but I've been reminded strongly of how far I've come already. I'm learning these lessons, though they may feel like the same old thing, on a new level.


Blogger alphawoman said...

It would seem that both of us are in a growth period. So sorry to hear about your marital problems.

September 02, 2006 7:16 AM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

I am not one who is much on talking on the phone, but I do go through spells of obsessive computer/on-line ussage. The time after the hurricane was very hard in some ways, but very rewarding in others. 3 weeks without electricity gets you looking in long forgotten places for fun, comfort, etc. I hope counseling and God's help can help you and hubby restore your marriage. Sounds like he may be worth the effort. I know you are! ;o)

September 02, 2006 1:21 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

How often I crave the silence, and desire merely to be left alone...

Just as often, I wonder how people survive silent monastic retreats without screaming or going berserk with a hedge clipper...somebody talk to me, dammit! I guess it's in our complex nature to yearn for both solitude and society, and to divvy life up into handy compartments for all our many moods and responsibilities.

I'm glad to know that you and your husband are talking and keeping doors open. That's always a good thing.

September 02, 2006 6:35 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I have to second gigi's comment about craving solitude and society. I am usually a solitary being, but all the time I spent inside my head when I wasn't working made me crave my internet interaction. Now...reading my friends' blogs is like a few moments of blessed respite from the total madness of the rest of my life.

One great thing about being so crazy busy...I find I enjoy all my "space music" cd's again. When I wasn't busy, they seemed to sleepy and boring... LOL!

September 02, 2006 7:42 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

I find when I go on vacation to a place without WiFi or other means to get online, it takes a couple days for me to stop missing my tether to the online world. It's good to take a break now and then. I'm always surprised by how much I get done if the PC and TV are out of commission. As for the AC freezing up. We had that happen. Turns out the unit needed to be recharged with coolant. It wasn't expensive to have the heating/cooling guy come out and do that.

September 03, 2006 8:59 AM  

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