Sunday, September 03, 2006

Morning call

I woke up late this morning. The alarm clock failed in its duty, and the coming rain obscured the rising sun which is always my other call to the day. Granted I needed the sleep. It was 4:00 the last time I saw the clock this morning, but I still regret it.

I really wanted to go to church. I have been hungry for worship, hungry to praise, hungry to spend time in communal celebration of the Almighty, hungry to learn and grow in the direction that I've craved for years, despite the fact that the turns in the road have surprised and delighted me. I can only describe it as hunger because it does nourish me. It both feels a need and a desire, and I'm missing being there this morning.

I'm used to worshipping, praying and studying alone. These are things I continue to do, but the joy in communal worship is a new experience for me. This doesn't feel like an obligation. I don't have to show either family or community that I'm doing the proscribed thing. It's sheer desire to share my joy in God/dess with others who feel that joy as well. It's a desire to grow. It's a desire to be used for a Divine purpose and the knowledge that I am both in the right physical and spiritual place to do so.

I look at my life now, this painful division in my marriage, the job frustrations, the fears about money, how the past few years have been literally moving from one crisis of a death or illness or job loss to another, and there is no earthly reason for me to feel so much gratitude or so much peace. I know that this is truly a holy gift, and I'm simultaneously humbled and uplifted. I've spent so much of my life feeling unlovable, and knowing that I am loved and desired by the Creator of everything blows me away.

I've deeply regretted over the years how the phrase "born again" has come to represent judgmentalism in the media because it's not about a one time event after which one can walk through some die-cut mold called Christian. It's the ultimate, on-going process of becoming who I am meant to be, the stripping away of all that hurts and hinders me. It's not always easy. Some of these "deaths" in my life have been painful, but the power of being something new, stronger, better, purer has been more than worth the struggles.

This is a resonant knowledge. It echoes in my mind, my spirit, my emotions, my very cells, and it demands that I put this out there with other people. I missed this church this morning, but the call to worship could not be denied.


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