Making what I can from a boring night
I'm better off reminding myself that I actually do have inner resources. I actually had a flash of those earlier today. I was taking my pills and thinking that this was a good first step to pulling myself out of this quagmire. The physical, mental, emotional and spiritual are indelibly intertwined, and when one goes down, it's easy for the rest to follow. Addressing the physical is always the easiest for me. It's tangible. It's quantifiable. I've been taking my medicine for 10 days, and my blood pressure measured 127 over 79 today, a significant, measurable improvement.
A decent beginning always makes you ask what should the next step be. Physically, I know that it has to be gently increasing my physical activity. Today my resting heart rate was what my optimum target heart rate for aerobic exercise should be, but sitting on my fat fanny won't do me any good. There has to be a cheap beginner's yoga DVD out there somewhere.
Addressing just the physical though won't do me any good though. I have to do something about my inner life. I've re-read some older blog entries lately, many of them written when I was seriously struggling. My last ten years have seen a good share of struggles, but what came through to me is that I always had three things going for me. I was willing to look at multiple sides of an issue. I could usually find something to spark my gratitude, and I've been able to laugh at myself. Those are not shabby gifts, and I'm going to exercise them more.
Something else I intend on exercising more is my self-discipline. For years, monitoring my emotional well-being was as routine as brushing my teeth. When I felt the darkness creeping in, I'd start the mental exercises to stop negative, self-destructive thoughts in their tracks. Instead I've indulged them, fed them questions that could lead to more self-criticism. When I'm deep in a funk, I lose my personal organizational skills. (Funny how this never happens at work. If anything I'm more compulsive there when I'm feeling really down.) It's time to start up short, realistic daily lists again. I need to write them down and feel the satisfaction of scratching the items off as I complete them.
One thing I'm proud of over the last couple of years is maintaining most of my weight loss. Granted, I re-gained close to 40 of the nearly 150 pounds I lost, but I've fluctuated that much in just a couple of months before. As it is, I've maintained over a hundred pound weigh loss for over three years. I still have a lot more to lose, but I've accomplished something already with my weight loss and maintenance, and I deserve to feel proud of it. Giving myself credit when it's due is good for me when I'm down.
It wasn't my intention when I sat down tonight, but I think I've just made my first new to do list. I love when something comes out of my rambling.