Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Last week, fed up with the constant migraine, I went to the doctor. I'm glad I did. My blood pressure and heart rate were ridiculously high, 183 over 137 with a resting heart rate of 104. It scared me. I have a friend, another migraine sufferer, who's just a few years younger than I am who recently had a stroke.

I'm following doctor's orders and taking my prescriptions, including the gratefully received anti-depressant. I'm also rather compulsively monitoring my heart rate. I once heard someone say, in reference to the heart, that all pumps are pre-rated, and I can't help wondering how many beats I've wasted due to stress and not taking better care of myself.

That is really the heart of the matter for me. I'm terrible at taking care of myself, and it saddens me because I was really pretty good at taking care of other people. At least, I think I was. I'm not so sure of that anymore. There are so many things I'm unsure of now.

I'm holding onto hope though. Maybe I can start feeling better. It's been almost a week since I started the medicines, I've blacked out once, but I haven't had a migraine in three days. I took my blood pressure at a free monitor at a big box store today, and it was still high, but lower. For I don't know how long now, I've white knuckled my way through my job and then gone home to crash with no energy left for anything else.

My intellectual, creative and social life are non-existent, and I can no longer rationalize away all the choices I've made. I'm tired of the self-pity and the fear. I want better for myself and from myself, and I have to convince myself that I am worth what it's going to take to get it.


Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I want better for myself and from myself, and...I am worth what it's going to take to get it. I'll second that...

May 03, 2011 11:12 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

I think that one of the hardest things following trauma is the imagine ourselves loved and valuable - worth caring for. I'm so glad you've made this new start.

May 04, 2011 7:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please do take good care of yourself. You are such a thoughtful person and lovely writer - and you've got far too much living ahead of you to risk a stroke. All the best to you. -- a reader in Canada

May 04, 2011 9:14 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

I am so glad you went to the doctor. I have been on blood pressure medicine since I was 23. That's a long time...lol. My heart beats too fast and there is a med for it but I won't take it because it makes me so drowsy I cannot function. Quality pumps not quantity. With high blood pressure, one of the most important things is monitoring your salt intake. It's in everything things you would not think of like ice cream. I try to buy sodium reduced items or make them myself and not add salt. When working it's so much easier to use prepared foods. Cynthia, I have learned the hard way that we have to rely on ourselves for our care. We have to value ourselves as we do those we love, such as our children and be as thoughtful in caring for ourselves. I hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs and prayers sent, Nelle

May 06, 2011 3:43 AM  
Blogger Linda said...

I don't know if any of us realize how ubiquitous
self-questioning really is. This thing called life really ought to come with an instruction book, if not warranty. A report card would be helpful too, verifying our positive intentions with a nod that we are on the right road.
Please know that this path has a veritable platoon of like-minded women and men who share the same feeling of sometimes being "lost"! ---Boston gal

May 06, 2011 10:07 AM  
Blogger marigolds2 said...

Very glad you went to a doctor, very glad you didn't explode, as it sounds like you were about to. You are such a valuable person to so many people. Please know that you matter. Please know that I love you, and am sending my hugs and prayers along with all these other friends.

May 11, 2011 5:59 PM  

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