Friday, April 08, 2011

Hello again

I tried to write an entry earlier today and deleted it. It's not easy to resume this after months of blogging absence. That leaves the question on the table of why I was absent. I've loved my little blog over all these years. I love the friendships, ethereal as they are, that I've made through blogging. So, if I love something, why did I ignore it?

I could go into a long explanation, but the short version is that I felt terrible. Terrible -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Big surprise, I know. It seems that most of what I've written over the years has been about dealing with how terrible I felt. The difference is that I haven't been dealing with it. I nearly let it suck me under, and I wouldn't, couldn't put that out in a public venue.

I've spent too much time crying in shame, bitterness, resentment, pain and fear. The countless mistakes I've made in life have played in a countless loop in my head. I've felt weak and powerless to such a degree that it made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.
It's been more than just another bout of depression, and I couldn't see a way out.

It actually helped when I found out that some health issues were contributing to the miasma I was in. You can deal with something physical, and I am, slowly. Once you begin managing one issue, it's easier to believe that you can manage others.

How much I have to manage intimidates me, but I'm working on things a little bit of a time. It's enough to get me through a day and enough to get me back to my blog.

12 Comments:

Blogger Robin said...

Oh, Cynthia!

I'm so glad you're back. I noticed you had suddenly re-appeared on FB, but my vision challenges got the best of me yesterday.

I hope that you find some cause for hope in the support and encouragement of your blogging friends, and that writing your way through is a help to you. You are certainly a great gift to all of us.

Love to you, dear girl.

April 09, 2011 8:42 AM  
Blogger Crimson Rambler said...

Welcome back!

April 09, 2011 9:50 AM  
Blogger JACKIE said...

Welcome back. I'll put a candle in the window for you.

April 09, 2011 10:01 AM  
Blogger JACKIE said...

Actually, since I seem to have little flower garden flower garden to go with those candles....let's just say there's some pansies hitchihiking to Tennessee.

April 09, 2011 10:04 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

So glad you're back.

April 09, 2011 10:23 AM  
Blogger sunflowerkat321 said...

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better Cynthia. It's wonderful to hear from you again. My blog has also been very neglected. I can do a few photos, but I don't know that I'm ready to write yet.

Kat

April 09, 2011 4:37 PM  
Blogger Songbird said...

So glad you're back!

April 09, 2011 5:08 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I feel terrible. All the stupid crap I've been dealing with lately distracted me from what might be going on with you. I hate it when I get stuck in that :it's-all-about-me" place.

I have SO missed you, my friend. I hope you are back for good...at least for awhile. I don't care what you write...just write. If you don't want to publish it, send me an email. I always want to be "on your six." (Backing you up...)

Lots of free time coming up. Perhaps a trip to Tennessee in the cards? :-]

April 10, 2011 8:00 PM  
Blogger Nelle said...

I cannot tell you how much I have missed your entries. They always were so meaningful to me. I am sorry for what you are going through. I lost my Dad about a month ago and I cannot imagine what you have gone through the past few years. You have been missed.
Hugs,
Nelle

April 11, 2011 8:31 AM  
Blogger Virginia said...

I add my voice to those saying I am glad you are back. Even if you are writing about your journey and the journey is tough, you are such a thoughtful person and you write so well, that the rest of us can still learn from and appreciate your experience.

Virginia

April 11, 2011 1:19 PM  
Blogger redsneakz said...

We're twins. We even restarted our blogs on the same day.

April 12, 2011 12:48 AM  
Blogger marigolds2 said...

Oh Cynthia, I am so sorry to hear all this trial and tribulation. I understand it all far better than you could imagine. I have been in a very similar place off and on for the past year. Well,really, for the past FIVE years. It not depression, it's isolation and desolation. It's feeling that this life that I have so badly messed up, mostly by this move to New Mexico, is not worth living another day. In the recent past I have started a slow climb out of this slough, via yoga and meditation, mindfulness meditation, and other physical exercise. My slogan has become "If I just keep moving, maybe I can make it." I'm glad you're back blogging and on Facebook, and I wish I still lived close enough to TN to drive there in a day - this is one of the problems. I feel at the ends of the earth, so far from everyone I love. Ah well. Loving thought to you, and I hope you can find a way to end this migraine problem.

April 25, 2011 2:35 PM  

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