For years, people have told me that you can't really go it alone as a Christian. You have to be part of a community, i.e. a church. They have a point. Having the support and guidance of a community of believers can make things easier. It can provide a little social grease to aid in the transition of the mind and the heart from the mundane to the miraculous. Fellow believers and leaders have challenged and comforted me when I've needed it. I don't know how many times I've gone to church and heard just what I needed to hear in a sermon, been inspired by just another schmo like me trying to truly live their faith well or even felt the comfort of just being with others as we worshiped together. I miss those things. I really do. At the same time, I've always had this feeling that sometimes Christians need to go it alone. It's very powerful when you realize that it's just you and God. It can also be very easy to just get confused and frustrated. I guess I'm still searching for that optimum middle way, and I have to accept that as part of my journey.
The community aspects of church are also what make it hard for me. Not since childhood have the social aspects of church been comfortable for me. The coffee break between Sunday School and the worship service has always been miserable. Standing alone, trying to look friendly, respectable and approachable enough, watching what seems like everybody else engaged in conversations while I stand alone with what is usually a terrible cup of coffee -- it makes me feel like the girl who never got to dance at the high school dances again. If it's been a new church for me to visit, someone will usually say "glad you're here", but I would just love it if someone would take a minute or two to tell me about what's going on that might be helpful to me, like a class for people my age where I won't be the only uncoupled person there. There have been times when going to church made me feel like introversion was just a heinous sin.
I'm rambling now, and I have no real point. I just wanted to write something here tonight. It's a feeble way of reaching out and saying I am here. Hurting, weak, disappointed in myself, but loved by God, I am here.