Saturday, March 28, 2009

Emerging

After another extended, involuntary absence, I'm back to my blog, and this virtual world that is so important to me. The good news is that I'm back to more than just blogging. The last few months have been difficult ones. Things seem to hit me in clusters, and these weeks have been no exception.

I spent several weeks in the worst pit of grief I've experienced since R. died. Then I got a letter from Donor Services. They follow up with the families of people who have donated organs with letters and information about mourning. This one said that around nine months, many people experience an upsurge in grief, because the shock has worn off, the loss and the new reality have set in. I was definitely one of those people. Everywhere I looked, I saw misery and nothing of hope and value. This was one of the most frightening episodes of depression I've ever experienced. I really did want to just give up, except for one thing. I'm a mother, and that means I can't give up. My child is grown, but she is my child, and I would not back down from one of the lessons I've always tried to teach. You don't give up. You can change directions and find alternatives, but you just don't give up. So I didn't, and I went through the darkness with all of my emotions and all of my intellect, and every scrap of courage and fear and anger and endurance I could beg, steal or borrow.

Some time during all of this, C. and I lost our health insurance and promptly got hit by acute gastrointestinal viral infections that meant me being in the emergency room two days with her and two days for myself with additional days of work missed. This was followed by a month of medication that took its toll on my system as well. Missing work also seriously crimped my already limited income and merited a write-up about attendance, despite having documentation showing the illness. The write-up has led to a persistent fear that I'll lose this little part time job that I need so badly. Fear is not a good motivator for me, but I am persistently trying to do a boring job well while looking for additional income.

Also, during this time, the gods of electrical appliances decided that I was unfit. I lost my utilities for a week -- the week of the biggest snow I've seen since childhood -- that I spent with my mother-in-law. Then my television set died. My Palm, which had been dying slowly, finally gave up its ghost. My dryer died. So did my coffee maker. Then, the hardest blow of all, the component of the computer which communicates with my DSL modem died. I also had to go without telephone for awhile.

I was virtually cut off from the world, and I had to enter the solitude in a way which my hermit self had not imagined. This was also done without the benefit of anti-depressants because of the loss of health insurance. I've really had to wonder what sort of karmic debt I've been paying and think that credit report must look as shabby as my financial one. When this much crap hits me, I do two things. I cry, and I laugh. Sometimes simultaneously. My emotions took over. They would not let me manage them. They led me, and this was just what I ended up needing. I don't know how, but in one of those easily overlooked miracles, I realized that I was finally feeling like me again. I was no longer a stranger in my skin and my mind. I was home, and I was strong. I'm honestly feeling better than I have in a few years.

I also have a lot more to say, but that will wait until I'm home tonight, after another day in the lace and pearl mines. It's good to be back.

8 Comments:

Blogger Sarah S-D said...

it's so good to have you back. what an intense time you've been through. i've missed you, cyn. and i'm so glad you feel you're emerging.

peace be with you.

March 28, 2009 11:46 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

I've missed you.

March 28, 2009 4:51 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Welcome back. You have been very much missed.

March 28, 2009 5:37 PM  
Blogger Songbird said...

So glad to hear from you, and so sorry it's been such a hard time.

March 28, 2009 8:21 PM  
Blogger Magdalene6127 said...

You have been missed.

(((Cynthia)))

March 28, 2009 9:58 PM  
Blogger Nelle said...

Dear Cynthia I am so very sorry you had this happen to you. Things never seem to happen one at a time, when it rains it pours. I'm glad to know you are feeling better, you were missed so very much. Welcome back lady. :)
Many hugs coming at you.....

March 29, 2009 9:02 AM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

I read this with a relief so glad that you are emerging from the darkness. I am so sorry you had to go through all that.

March 30, 2009 5:21 AM  
Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

((((((((((Cyn!))))))))))))

It's good to have you back. As always, I love reading what you write.

April 01, 2009 9:31 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home