Thursday, January 29, 2009

Staring into the abyss

Of all the emotions that have followed my husband's death last spring, the most difficult to deal with has been the fear that I have lost my resiliency. I don't attribute this solely to my husband's death, though it was a huge blow, but I do wonder if it was the camel's straw. This week marked nine months (and three days as I sit down to write), and I'm still wandering around in a fog wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my "one wild and precious life." (The Summer Day, Mary Oliver)

I'm 48 years old for goodness sakes. I have no daily routines any more. I get overwhelmed by the simplest of household chores. Though I'm not gaining weight, I'm not practicing healthy eating and exercise habits. I'm not writing well. I just did an online blog quiz that gave me the result of an elementary school reading level for my blog. I do feel like I've lost my voice, and whatever I might have once had to say is now swirling around inside me in an inchoate mess. I'm intimidated by this economic mess and fear a future of nothing but poverty, frustration, disappointment and loneliness. I'm too young to feel this way and too old to feel like I have real chances to stop it.

I'm trying to stay positive and believe that I can turn this around. Then I hear that voice that says people don't really change and I let the garbage of failures, hurts and insults from the past fall all over me. My life feels neither wild nor precious, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fight. I just know I can't, won't give up, but it's hard to keep going between those increasingly rare moments of peace and joy.

8 Comments:

Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Perhaps peace and joy are overrated - that's my conclusion tonight.

Oh, Cyn, you are not too old nor inaticulate nor voiceless nor doomed to a life of emptiness. You are grieving.

Hard to figure out, some nights, which is worse: the loss or the grieving of it.

January 29, 2009 11:39 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

You know what I miss in my life? Amazement! Nothing amazes me any more.

January 30, 2009 7:20 AM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

This is probably the craziest comment I have ever written...last night, as I lay sleepless, I watched the Orpah show whcih was featuring Suzanne Sommers and hormone replacement therapy. My menopause was (waht I thought) fairly painless and I never sought HRT because I was convinced that it only lead to future medical problems. But, listening to the women on the show last night, I realized that some of the cahnges in my life, personality, physical being,mental attitude, memory, are more than likely caused by hormone definciencies. (sorry about all the mispellings...I am the worlds worst). I'm making an appt. with my GYN person to start the blood test etc. to determine what to do...very interesting. I think that sometimes over look the obvious....not you, but me.

January 30, 2009 9:06 AM  
Blogger Magdalene6127 said...

(((Cynthia)))

Breathing with you.

January 30, 2009 4:13 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I don't seem to have anything useful to say these days, either. So I'll just imagine one of those ubiquitous virtual hugs for you, and wish I had something better...

January 30, 2009 4:39 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's death. As a new reader, I didn't realize you'd gone through that recently. My heart is with you.

I can't pretend that I know what you're going through, but I can tell you that when I feel overwhelmed and unfocused, lists help me. Small lists with small goals. Today, I will write down the food I eat. Tomorrow, I will take a walk. The day after that, I'll clean, but just the bathroom sink.

I can tell just from the few entries I've read that you have a voice that is worthy and that should be heard.

PS: I love "one wild and precious life." Beautiful!

January 30, 2009 5:24 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I think you have a beautiful voice and so much to say and teach. I have faith in you to hold on....breathe.....wait....for eventually "comes the dawn". I'm sending you prayers and love and energy to endure until....

(my verification word is "conin"...I'm thinking "coming"? I look for the hidden messages from the angels.

January 30, 2009 9:52 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

Sometimes I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. I have no prayers to offer, and condolences too often expressed become just words without meaning. For what it's worth, I think it's in solitude that we find our true essence. For myself, this means that I have not always been pleased with what I've found. But truth has it's own comforts.

(My word verification is tiomakee! I don't know what it means, but it sounds cheerful ~ what is the meaning of life? Why, tiomakee, of course! It is what you make it. :)

January 30, 2009 11:25 PM  

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