Discovering

I always release a big exhale when I finally get to sit down and update my blog. It's different when you're doing it in a public library, and people are sitting on either side of you. I've seen people writing in coffeeshops and restaurants. That's a cliched scene of being a writer, looking attractively disheveled with laptop or notebook, engrossed in the writing in a public place. Perfect for the movies, isn't it? It's also proof that I'm not living in a movie. It just doesn't work for me. I need to be alone to really write, and doing my morning pages every day is providing me with definite proof. If I needed more proof that I'm not living in a movie, I also can't look attractively disheveled, damn it. Either I've got every hair in place, or I'm a wreck.

Movies have been on my mind because they have filled the gap left by the absence of cable, telephone and internet. I'm not renting them. I just have a small but good collection of dvds, most of which have been picked up in the discounted pre-viewed racks at video stores. My current favorite is Stranger Than Fiction. Emma Thompson is absolutely perfect as the writer caught up in writer's block and who has no idea that the character she has imagined is actually real. I'm not a big Will Farrell fan, but he's wonderful in this, subdued and sweet and funny without being slapstick or over the top. The romance is wonderful. The narration is on perfect, and I love what the movie says about life and gratitude and cookies.

I was right last week when I wrote about this week's exercises in The Artist's Way being scary and challenging. In a lean time, it's a challenge to think about prosperity and abundance, but it is exactly what I need to do. It's forcing me to re-examine my ideas about God/dess, and I'm realizing the impact of my fundamentalist upbringing is deeper and more present than I've realized. (Never underestimate the power and presence of denial in your life.) What I'm doing is asking A Lot Of Questions, questions that begin with "do I" and "can I." They're exciting, difficult, exalting and taking me deeper into the spiral dance that is a spiritual life.

Without going into great depths here on the subject, what I've been brought to asking with all sincerity is, "What is my heart's truest desire?" I don't know yet, and I feel bold, mischievous and audacious for getting back to the journey to discover it. If I really know my heart's deepest desire, I have to act on it. That can mean it's easier not to know, yet I'm tired of that, and I'm tired of not acting. Along the way to the deepest desire of my heart, I'm also finding out little things I enjoy more and creating waves by saying "No" a lot more.

For a long time, I haven't thought twice about giving up what I wanted to do to let the womanchild or the husband do something they wanted. It's kind of fun to see the looks on their faces when I say, "No, I'm going somewhere then, so you can't use the car." or "I don't really feel like giving a backrub right now." I like it even better when I say something like, "I will be glad to fix you whatever you want to eat, but I'm not going to listen to you gripe, so make a decision." I think I might be finding that line between being loving, giving and generous and being a doormat, and that's a great lesson to learn.

Now, I've got to kick the womanchild off the computer she's using, but I'm going to spend the afternoon with a friend. I've got interviews on several days this week, and today, I'm going to play. If she doesn't like it, well, that's life.