Moments observed and a few lessons learned
Life does eventually catch up with you.
I passed out on Monday, a full fledged faint where I woke up on the bathroom floor. Now, I usually have to work to gain unconsciousness in the form of sleep, so this and the knowledge that I did a horrible job of cleaning the floors this week got my attention. It turns out that my blood pressure has gone sky high. I've never had high blood pressure. In fact, having blood pressure right on target with approved medical standards all of my life has been one of my 'in your face' facts with doctors who assumed that all fat people had the same health problems and that they all related to weight. I've learned that I am getting old. Damn it. I can't take things for granted anymore, and I've now got two new prescriptions. The extra bathroom time caused by the diuretic means that I will be taking care of those floors better. I may hate housecleaning, but a pleasant environment does make me feel better.
The good news is that I've lost more weight, bringing my weight loss over the last year and a half to about 50 pounds. That would never make an infomercial, but I've done it without a structured diet, just by trying to make small, gradual changes in my life. So, I'm still huge, but hey, it's working.
My last couple of months at work have been crappy. A lot of presentations, a lot of prospecting, but very few new contracts. This will never make a commission paid employee happy. This week, it started to pay off, and I've got some serious, viable business developing.
It's been a week of barriers dropping for me. There are many things that I've known intellectually on a fairly constant basis but have only experienced in episodes. The power of those moments has sustained me in the spells between them. This has been a week when the knowledge that mind, body, emotion, spirit, the material and the spiritual worlds are as intertwined as any Celtic knot has been gut level experience. It's been the difference between looking at a photograph of a beautiful place and being there. It's humbling and uplifting at the same time.
Beauty and the Beast opened last night, and it was a cute community theater production. The sound system though needed some serious work. The womanchild was an extra in several scenes, and she was just so cute. One of her roles was a drunk in the tavern during Gaston's big song. She was very convincing. On the way home with her grandmother, great-aunt, father and me, she said completely deadpan that it was because she had so much experience. I thought her grandmother would swerve off the road. I repeat, it takes nerves of steel to raise a smartass.
I forget how little C. is because she is my little girl. She's supposed to be smaller than me. Now, I'm a tall woman, hovering close to 5'8", and she's 5' even, but it's not until I see her among people her own age that I realize that she really is short. It catches me though because her presence is so huge that I rarely recognize her physical stature. Like my mother, she's a little package of dynamite.
With her dad not being in the house, I've realized just how much of my life has been built around wife and motherhood. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's reaffirmed to me that it's past time to create more of a life for myself. My boredom and wondering just what the heck else I could be doing besides scrubbing floors when she's been off doing her own activities has been a real wake up call. It's time to look at my life off the page with some creativity.
All in all, I can't say that it's been an enjoyable week, but it has definitely been a good one. Knowing that difference makes it worthwhile.
life
I passed out on Monday, a full fledged faint where I woke up on the bathroom floor. Now, I usually have to work to gain unconsciousness in the form of sleep, so this and the knowledge that I did a horrible job of cleaning the floors this week got my attention. It turns out that my blood pressure has gone sky high. I've never had high blood pressure. In fact, having blood pressure right on target with approved medical standards all of my life has been one of my 'in your face' facts with doctors who assumed that all fat people had the same health problems and that they all related to weight. I've learned that I am getting old. Damn it. I can't take things for granted anymore, and I've now got two new prescriptions. The extra bathroom time caused by the diuretic means that I will be taking care of those floors better. I may hate housecleaning, but a pleasant environment does make me feel better.
The good news is that I've lost more weight, bringing my weight loss over the last year and a half to about 50 pounds. That would never make an infomercial, but I've done it without a structured diet, just by trying to make small, gradual changes in my life. So, I'm still huge, but hey, it's working.
My last couple of months at work have been crappy. A lot of presentations, a lot of prospecting, but very few new contracts. This will never make a commission paid employee happy. This week, it started to pay off, and I've got some serious, viable business developing.
It's been a week of barriers dropping for me. There are many things that I've known intellectually on a fairly constant basis but have only experienced in episodes. The power of those moments has sustained me in the spells between them. This has been a week when the knowledge that mind, body, emotion, spirit, the material and the spiritual worlds are as intertwined as any Celtic knot has been gut level experience. It's been the difference between looking at a photograph of a beautiful place and being there. It's humbling and uplifting at the same time.
Beauty and the Beast opened last night, and it was a cute community theater production. The sound system though needed some serious work. The womanchild was an extra in several scenes, and she was just so cute. One of her roles was a drunk in the tavern during Gaston's big song. She was very convincing. On the way home with her grandmother, great-aunt, father and me, she said completely deadpan that it was because she had so much experience. I thought her grandmother would swerve off the road. I repeat, it takes nerves of steel to raise a smartass.
I forget how little C. is because she is my little girl. She's supposed to be smaller than me. Now, I'm a tall woman, hovering close to 5'8", and she's 5' even, but it's not until I see her among people her own age that I realize that she really is short. It catches me though because her presence is so huge that I rarely recognize her physical stature. Like my mother, she's a little package of dynamite.
With her dad not being in the house, I've realized just how much of my life has been built around wife and motherhood. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's reaffirmed to me that it's past time to create more of a life for myself. My boredom and wondering just what the heck else I could be doing besides scrubbing floors when she's been off doing her own activities has been a real wake up call. It's time to look at my life off the page with some creativity.
All in all, I can't say that it's been an enjoyable week, but it has definitely been a good one. Knowing that difference makes it worthwhile.
life
posted by Cynthia at
8:08 AM
8 Comments:
Thank God you did not hurt yourself in the fall! My Mom has been passing out too...once in the car and then on the kitchen floor..be very careful! Glad they know its your blood pressure. They ahve put a monitor on Mom till they figure out if its heart or what...scary stuff for you both.
I must have missed something here...where is the Woman Childs's Dad?
Cynthia, please be careful! I once passed out in the bathroom and woke up quite awhile later. Tile floors are very unforgiving. Did you have any warning? I have plenty and when I do I lay down flat. My Mom passed out at a flea market this morning after taking several meds w/ a swallow of juice and no breakfast. They are keeping her overnight in the hospital for tests and observations.
Congrats on 50 lbs. That's a great weight loss! I lost 30 and some of it has found it's way back already!
You have much to be proud of with C. :)
Cyn!!! BE CAREFUL. It's no wonder your bp has gone sky-high with all the stress you have been under lately! Stress is stress, good or bad, and it will eventually show up someplace in your physiology. You are the main parent to C. and need to take care of yourself. 'Nuf said. ::::hugs::::
So glad C's play went off well, and super proud of how she is doing. Yanno, I never realized she was that small, either - she just fills the room when she is around. Yes, she is much smaller than you are tall, but I really had no idea she comes in at five foot even!
:::::more hugs::::: I am concerned about you. And love ya too much to let anything happen to you without a big fuss going up.
Sounds like we are in the same boat. I'm a big girl (5'8" and mumble pouds) and I've never had a problem with my blood pressure. Suddenly, yesterday, I tested borderline. Is turning 40 some kind of line of demarkation? Suddenly, I'm "old"? I'm not on any medication...yet. My doc was happy to see that the swelling in my feet and legs is down signnificantly. All I've lost since my last visit was 8 lbs. I suspect is was just all that water weight. LOL But I've decided to give up soda and sugary drinks and switch to diet. A small change, but it seems to be working. One small change at a time and maybe I'll slowly head back in the other direction, weight wise.
I'm upset about this new blood pressure development. DO be careful...I suppose I don't have to tell you that HBP is nothing to fool around with.
You deserve to take a few minutes to figure out what YOU want. Often, women who are wives and mothers put themselves last. I don't know if that is good for anyone--women OR their loved ones.
Cynthia, ongratulations on your fabulous weight loss over the past year. This in itself in a wonderful achievement, not to be underrated.
Also you write that this has been a week of barriers dropping for you--and you write about it so beautifully!
This sounds like a monumental time in your life, and I hold your entries up like a shining lot to follow.
When my last born left the nest, I decided to give myself two years to transition to the next phase. For me, two years seemed the right cycle for the ebb and flow of major changes, moving out of one, into the next, sort of my tide, I guess. Maybe I needed to feel like I had enough time. Time - what a luxury!!
Anyway, love your blog, take care, and know that we're connected, somehow. Would you be my sister?
Good thing you caught the blood pressure issue before it caused something more serious than a faint. - I always ran an extremely low blood pressure, even through two pregnancies. Bug was a C-section. I came out to there into recovery with high blood pressure and have had it ever since. Not extreme, but over normal. So, I too, have become a pill a day person. - Don't sell yourself short on the 50#'s in a year. That's great!! That's the correct way to lose weight. - A pound or two a week. - I think we women often get so caught up in being mothers and homemakers that we forget ourselves, our spouses, our friends. It happens before we realize it. But it is not best for us, and therefore not best for our families. ;o)
I had a sudden change in blood pressure too. I was always low in the normal range, and all of a sudden it is high. Maybe their machines are wrong?
I too am looking to fill up my roles as my daughter begins her last year of high school.
Yeah, and I need to do a better job keeping the house clean.
Congratulations on your weight loss. I think it is great when you can reach out for goals and actually meet them. I've been trying small steps too. What are these small steps that you took?
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