Good enough

For awhile now, I've been making efforts to reconnect with people. I mean this in the generic and specific senses. There are certain individuals whose friendship I highly value, but I haven't done the work to keep the relationship going. That's my fault, and I can see that now, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. My efforts have been small -- the phone call, the email, the blog entry. I've even managed to actually, physically see some people face to face. I'm having to work myself back up to social engagement. Whenever you let a muscle atrophy, you can't expect to jump back to activity at full speed.

After feeling the need to hide away for so long, that almost feels like a miracle. It also makes me feel grateful for the people who've let me reappear in their lives after a notable absence. The efforts may have been small, but after long months of feeling like all I had to offer anyone was toxicity, they've required an amount of courage I won't disrespect.

Then, there's everyone else, this whole world. It's full of interesting, kind, funny, smart, fascinating people. It's been my luck lately to begin getting to know a few, and unsurprisingly, my insecurities kicked in. Why would someone who can do all these things and has been all these places want to get to know someone like me, who's had such narrow boundaries on my life for awhile now? That's a question that initially made me want to go hide again, but I paused and took a breath. I acknowledged the good stuff inside those old border lines and the changes I'm trying to make to push out the limitations I've had on my life. The kind of people I really want to know will appreciate what's there, and each new connection is expanding my territory.

I'm not going to keep putting my life on hold because it's not where I feel it ought to be to be good enough for other people.