Keeping up with the changes
Her taking charge of her life has also motivated me. I try to be brave, but starting over again is scary. On a bad night, all I can see is that I'm alone, my career has faltered, my writing has become a bad joke, and I'm scraping to get by. On a good night, I see my potential, and I believe in my ability to change things.
On Monday, after a hug that wasn't quite long enough, I watched her car head down the road and then surrendered to the migraine I'd been battling since Friday. Tuesday, I said enough of that and just kept busy. I tackled some of the gritty household chores I hate like scrubbing my baseboards. Wednesday, I hit the streets job hunting. Today, more of the same plus paying bills and running all the errands that were delayed while I was helping C. prepare for her move.
Among the errands was a task for my own gratification. Since R. died, I've had trouble sleeping in the bed we shared for so many years. Most nights I've ended up on the couch or in the recliner. My mother-in-law did the same thing after her husband died 15 years ago. She's still sleeping on the couch. I don't want that for myself. Since I can't buy a new bed right now, today, I bought new bedding. New sheets, new comforter, new decorative pillows -- all in different colors from what was there before. Tonight, I swept and mopped the bedroom floor, and my bedroom has a different look. If I have enough energy after work tomorrow, I plan on rearranging the furniture. I have my memories of my husband. I don't need to turn our home into some static shrine. Beyond that, I want my environment to nurture me, and I'm craving a good night's sleep.
I'll let you know how that goes.