Thursday, July 23, 2009

Keeping up with the changes

On Monday of this week, the womanchild moved to another city. She arranged for a transfer with her job, then she picked up her absolutely amazing employee benefit package. She had already applied to another college and arranged for financial aid. Failing almost every class she had last year meant that she had to show that she was serious about college before her tuition fund could be tapped again. She signed a lease on a rental house she'll be sharing with two other girls and made a deposit for her utilities. In short, she's handling real adult stuff. Need I say, I'm incredibly proud of her. I'm also missing her a lot, but I want these things for her.

Her taking charge of her life has also motivated me. I try to be brave, but starting over again is scary. On a bad night, all I can see is that I'm alone, my career has faltered, my writing has become a bad joke, and I'm scraping to get by. On a good night, I see my potential, and I believe in my ability to change things.

On Monday, after a hug that wasn't quite long enough, I watched her car head down the road and then surrendered to the migraine I'd been battling since Friday. Tuesday, I said enough of that and just kept busy. I tackled some of the gritty household chores I hate like scrubbing my baseboards. Wednesday, I hit the streets job hunting. Today, more of the same plus paying bills and running all the errands that were delayed while I was helping C. prepare for her move.

Among the errands was a task for my own gratification. Since R. died, I've had trouble sleeping in the bed we shared for so many years. Most nights I've ended up on the couch or in the recliner. My mother-in-law did the same thing after her husband died 15 years ago. She's still sleeping on the couch. I don't want that for myself. Since I can't buy a new bed right now, today, I bought new bedding. New sheets, new comforter, new decorative pillows -- all in different colors from what was there before. Tonight, I swept and mopped the bedroom floor, and my bedroom has a different look. If I have enough energy after work tomorrow, I plan on rearranging the furniture. I have my memories of my husband. I don't need to turn our home into some static shrine. Beyond that, I want my environment to nurture me, and I'm craving a good night's sleep.

I'll let you know how that goes.


Blogger Judith HeartSong said...

Yes... a nurturing environment is vital to me as well... sometimes you just need a place to "be". So proud of the Dear One and you will find your way. Just know that you are not alone.

July 24, 2009 4:20 AM  
Blogger Cynnie said...

i love my bedroom, my bed..
its my sanctuary ..

make it all yours deserve your own nest

July 24, 2009 12:08 PM  
Blogger Indigo said...

I think you have a healthy perspective on things hon. Small changes can make a world of difference. I'm finding that out myself these days. (Hugs)Indigo

July 25, 2009 9:22 AM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Hope this works better than the last time I tried to post a comment here...

Anyway...looks like you are arriving at the place where you pack up your sorrow and your memories and start moving forward. Good for you!

July 26, 2009 1:52 AM  
Blogger Jul said...

It's amazing what new bedding and a little rearranging can do. A fresh coat of a new color on the walls is great as well, even if it is just one wall. Enjoy your new space and I hope you get some good sleep.

July 26, 2009 1:48 PM  
Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

One of the first things I did after my divorce was to redo my bedroom. It did me a world of good, and I hope it does good for you too.

July 27, 2009 12:33 AM  

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