Changes

Early this morning, I realized that I'd crossed a major threshold. Yesterday would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary, and I didn't think about it until I went to bed. I wasn't trying not to think about it. It just didn't occur to me until late in the day, and then it was with a sweet wistfulness. This evening, I went to the cemetery to make sure that the flowers hadn't been blown away by the storms from earlier this week. They were still there, and I noticed how much grass had grown on R.'s grave. For the first time, I didn't cry when I was there. Granted, I felt the tears building up, but there wasn't the undeniable demand for them to be released.

Things have definitely changed. I'm finally accepting this new phase of my life. I'm not quite into enjoying it, but I can see possibilities as well as memories. One of my favorite lines of poetry is from Mary Oliver's Summer Day.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life? "

I really have no clue what my plans will be, but I am beginning to see my life as precious again. I think I might have a clue about what the wildness could be. It wouldn't be the excess, recklessness and daring of my youth. Those days are happily past. When I read those words, I think of the wildness of an untamed animal, whether it's rabbit or lion. I think of the power of this humid summer night lying on my skin like damp silk. I think of the freedom of a bird in flight or the wind in the trees. I think of what is natural within me, what is truly me, with all the layers of over thinking and over socialization stripped away. A glimpse of that every now and then sustains me now, but I can believe the day may come when I'm just living it.