Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Scattered

My mind has been a masterpiece of distraction for days. I've had thousands of ideas but haven't had the focus to develop any of them. I've taken to jotting down phrases and images in a notebook, just hoping I can develop them later. If I had a therapist to show this too, we could have months worth of discussions or I might end up in a hospital. (Specially since I've been re-working a violent episode for the book in progress that was set aside last year.)

The distraction has shown itself beyond just my mind. I flit from one task to the next, completing some, getting others to the good enough for now stage. I've been trying to just be more active, to bring all the unseen mental activity into my tangible world. The goal is to become more purposeful and to really build the kind of life that I want and enjoy, but right now, it looks more like impulse and whim. There really are goals behind what I'm doing, but I'm working in short spells. From my inner critical observer point of view, I look undisciplined and lazy. I keep telling that bitch part of me to just shut up and be patient.

My week has been filled with little surprises; pleasant (and awkward) like a date with the father-in-law of a co-worker, unpleasant like an attack of heat stress, and weird like finding out I've had a hunk of windshield glass embedded in my elbow for over a decade and it working its way to the surface. Another pleasant surprise is that I've continued to meet the same group of women for a weekly lunch, and it looks like we might start a book club, something I've wanted to do for years. We're also talking about going to a wine tasting at a nearby vineyard, something else I've wanted to do for a long time. I admit my dreams were more Napa Valley than west Tennessee, but this is a good step in transforming a dream into a reality.

I've always been this hybrid of purposeful worker bee and otherworldly daydreamer. When the structure I had for years disappeared with my husband's death and daughter going to college, I let my interior life just take over. I over thought and over felt everything and let it paralyze me. I haven't replaced the old structure with anything new, but this wafting from activity to activity suits me now. I'm no longer huddled, emotionally devastated, in the not so comfy chair, and the day is coming when thoughts and dreams will merge with goals, purpose and structure. I'm recognizing a change while it's happening instead of afterwards. That feels good.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Gannet Girl said...

It's so wonderful to hear you sound so centered. You may feel distracted, but you sound courageous and calm.

July 02, 2009 6:42 AM  
Blogger seethroughfaith said...

:) thanks for sharing!

July 02, 2009 4:06 PM  
Blogger Jul said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

July 04, 2009 10:22 AM  
Blogger Jul said...

Good grief, I had more typos in what I wrote, even after I re-read it twice. I have always had a gift for seeing through other people's typos, apparently I now read through my own.

Anyway, I share the same sentiment Gannet Girl does about your progress. I am so glad you are making your way into this new chapter in your life and enjoying some of the new experiences you deserve.

As for the windshield glass, I too removed a piece of glass from an accident that occured nearly 10 years prior. It was in the suture scar at the end of my right eyebrow. Odd how those things can happen. Keep the Neosporin handy for a few days.

Take care Cynthia :)

July 04, 2009 10:33 AM  

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