Saturday, January 24, 2009

Unwinding through the night

This is just one of those days when I feel old. After an extremely busy day at work, I also feel like a harbinger of doom. All day long, I work with soon-to-be brides, most of them young. I smile and ooh over bright shiny engagement rings. Their happiness and hope, if they're not stressing over details, can be contagious.

This wasn't one of those days. More than once, I kept seeing the engraving on a very old tombstone I saw once. "As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so too will you be." With the average life expectancy of women exceeding that of men, for many of the young women I see, that will be true. Most of us mentally know that we will either be left alone or leave our spouse alone and grieving. Knowing that just doesn't prepare you.

I came home tired tonight, fixed my frozen Weight Watchers dinner and wondered how long it would be before I learned to really cook for just one person. I couldn't help remembering learning to cook as a newlywed and discovering just how entrenched my husband's picky eating habits were. Oh, it took me awhile to find compromises between my try everything and his burger and fries are perfect for everything tastes. I imagine it will take me awhile to learn how to make my kitchen a happy place for just me.

I'm tired tonight, not really sad, but just looking at my reality. My face can still feel the imprint of wearing glasses all day, and I'm enjoying being out of my Spanx, hose, heels and bra. The makeup held up well today, and I can look in the mirror and feel fairly good about my appearance. My back is popping as I rotate my shoulders, and that's just five kinds of good.

I'm alive and feeling all kinds of things. A lot of the time, I just feel numb, and this is actually better than that. Guess that's the way it should be.


Blogger Gannet Girl said...

I honestly have no idea how we are going to survive this past year, Cynthia, but we will.

January 24, 2009 10:40 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Cyn, I used to wonder why people cried at weddings. When my mother cried at my wedding I thought it was because she thought she was losing me. Now I know better. She must have been having so many of the feelings that you describe so well. I catch myself feeling like this at the thought of weddings and when people become pregnant or have very young children. It's very complex. You've done a good job of capturing it, especially with the detail about feeling the imprint of the glasses on your face--wow.

January 25, 2009 1:26 AM  

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