Deep sigh

This morning I accepted a job offer. Tomorrow I'll complete my employment paperwork, and I'll start next week. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. It's just another retail job, but I don't care.

On my bad days in the last few months, I've felt like a worthless bum. I've looked around and all I could see were the losses. Family illnesses and working as a mortgage broker during the housing crisis pretty much eliminated my savings. My health took a downturn when I was emotionally near the most vulnerable I've ever been. Then enforced isolation followed. The failures and disappointments overwhelmed everything I saw, and I've been really doubting my ability to improve things.

It has taken more willpower than getting through college required to go out and present a charming, capable presence to employers. It took more willpower than this years long diet has taken. It took nearly as much willpower as it took to keep me going when the womanchild was hospitalized for bulimia and depression. Most of the time, it has felt like I was just courting rejection.

So, tonight, I feel very relieved and proud of myself for keeping at it. It really was very hard, even though it didn't look that way.