The last few days have held exceptional challenges which I will not discuss. I've been faced with my limits, forced to move past the feeling of powerlessness that has gripped me for months, been rewarded, helped and comforted by deep, profound friendship, rediscovered the sense of being listened to in prayer and got phase one of a tangible problem solved. In the altered state brought on by days of sleeplessness, I can see the good and large implications of some of the things that have happened. I guess that is my moment of grace in the middle of a big mess. Mainly, though, I'm seeing the details and steps of things I must do in the coming days and how I can pick up some of the balls that I've dropped. It might be fatigue, but for once, this mental list isn't accompanied by a sense of panic.
I'm sitting here with a white kitten lying on my black turtleneck covered bosom. Her paws are doing the mommy flex. I don't care about the hair that will be left on my shirt or the little red marks her claws are surely leaving on my breast. Her purr though is vibrating through my skin. Otherwise, she is so peaceful and calm, and I feel it sinking into me. I'm sipping hot chocolate made from real milk, Ghirardelli ground chocolate and brown sugar. I'm wearing my favorite PJs and comfy slippers. If I keep my focus right here on this still and quiet moment, I know that all is well, and all will be well, and all matter of things will be well. Tonight's discipline is not to reach out to understand, but to pull in and renew.
Problems must be solved, but there is nothing more I can do right now. Tonight, I will regain some strength that I will exercise tomorrow. Tomorrow, there are errands and chores to be done and an interview for a job I might actually enjoy. At least now, I have some of the tools these responsibilities demand. I'll make the effort to appreciate that instead of worrying about what I lack. I believe those needs will be met as well.