Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The latest permutation

For the last couple of weeks, I have been overcome by inertia. At work, I'm fine. I know what has to be done, where things belong, the timetable in which things have to be done. Sometimes I chafe against an external structure of my time and priorities, but now it's really helpful. When I get home though, I see so much that really, really needs to be done, and I have no clue where to get started. It all seems too much, and I just don't feel up to anything. I've been reading fun, frivolous fluff like Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse novels, grabbing fast food meals and just letting piles build and build and build. It's not that I want to live this way. I just don't seem to have the energy to do anything else.

I decided today that had to end. Honestly, I'm out of clean underwear. The laundry absolutely has to get done at this point. I don't have a choice. so I made myself. Wash, dry, fold. I will put it up. I will put it up. I will put it up before I go to bed. I cleaned the evidence of meals eaten on the run from my car. I cleaned my kitchen counters. I swept the house. Then I tackled the monster. For the last couple of weeks, I've just tossed all the mail in a basket. It overflowed last night, and I said enough. I sorted out the junk mail. I moved the magazines to their assigned basket. I separated R.'s bills from mine, went through all the sympathy cards and information packets from Organ Donor Services. There are now two women in Arkansas who can see. I pulled the cards from the floral arrangements and put all the funeral stuff together. Then I hit a wrinkled and crinkled wad of receipts and three months of bank statements. And that was all I could do. It was just too much, and I came here to escape.

My mind is whirring with the things I need to do. It's time for one of my lists. My mother-in-law already has all of her thank you cards done, and I haven't started mine yet. I have important business to take care of, like Social Security stuff for the womanchild and finding out about R.'s benefits from work, and college registration for C. in a couple of weeks. This is stuff I can't let slide, but it feels like everything is skidding from my grasp. Definitely a xanax moment.

I no longer feel like anything can wait, and I feel like I can't do anything right now.

So, what do I do? I breathe. I feel my heart pound. I pull a Scarlett and refuse to think about it now. Tomorrow will come soon enough, and maybe, then I can do more than just breathe.

8 Comments:

Blogger Michelle said...

Sometimes it's enough to just keep breathing. You did amazingly to work through an inertia I know well...

little by little was my mantra, ask for help for things than you can, or for company on the things you can't. Having someone do the rounds with me (retitle the car so I could sell it, bank, etc) that long first week after the funeral made all the difference when I thought I couldn't do another thing.

prayers and prayers for you and womanchild

May 13, 2008 8:36 PM  
Blogger Jul said...

Cynthia,

Things will fall into place. Maybe not the same place they once were, but in place nonetheless. You do what you can and the rest will still be there when you are ready for it, but for now, I agree, take that time to just breathe. Find that still place inside of yourself and stay there as often as possible because that's how we heal, from the inside out.

I continue to keep you and C in my thoughts and prayers and if I may, since you are auch an avid reader, I'd like to recommend a couple books to you that may help you and C transition though this difficult time. The first book is "The Power of Now" and the second one is "A New Earth", both by Eckhart Tolle.

I've been going though a pretty difficult time on my own as of late and those books have changed my life. They have put into place pieces of a puzzle I've been working on my entire life, pieces that I had no idea were missing. I hope you will take the time to read them.

Take care and BREATHE.
~Jul

May 13, 2008 9:06 PM  
Blogger more cows than people said...

breathing is plenty.

((((cyn))))

May 13, 2008 9:19 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Try not to focus on what you haven't done. Instead, give yourself permission to feel really good about what you HAVE accomplished. You are doing fine.

And don't try to do everything by yourself. Ask for help. If I lived next door, I'd be happy to help you with the dust bunnies and the dishes, anyway...

((((Cyn))))

May 14, 2008 12:08 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

I'm so glad you are writing your way through this. It's an amazing thing, that in the haze of grief and household mess and Social Security and college details, you are also writing that in Arkansas there are now two women who can see. You are utterly connected to the universal mundane and magnifient.

Praying with you.

May 14, 2008 6:35 AM  
Blogger fostermama said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

May 15, 2008 5:14 PM  
Blogger Christina K. Brown said...

{{{{{Cyn}}}}}}}}



There is a Plsam about falling down and getting back up again...which one is that? What is doe not say is how long it is good to stay down for and how long to take getting back up, just so long and eventually you do.

Tomorrow shall come as pure as the snow...and with the breathing does get easier. The heavy stones bearing down on your chest will not be so crushing.

xxoo



if you get emailed with your comments you have then just found my new secret blog name...I forgot I logged on it.

May 15, 2008 5:17 PM  
Blogger Virginia said...

I have always thought that our society doesn't know what to do about grieving, and we don't give people the space and time they need for the process.

You are a very wise woman. Listen to what your inner voice says that you need to do to take care of yourself. I know you will find the right path for you.

Sending you warm thoughts.

Virginia

May 16, 2008 9:10 PM  

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