The day after

I slept late today, later than I remember sleeping in years. When I woke it was 9:45. Last week before all this had happened, I had made an appointment for today with C.'s and my therapist. I thought it was at 10:00 and immediately panicked. It's a half hour drive to her office in the next county. I immediately looked in the Palm for her number and found the appointment was at 11:00. That was a blessing. We needed this. When we got there, C. let some of her anger vent. I was starting to worry about that. She has every right to be angry now. No child should have to find their father dead. It's just not fair. The rest of us can still maintain some illusions, but she has harsh reality, and there is absolutely nothing that can soften this for her. Other than letting her know how much she is loved, I have no idea what to do for her now. This is even scarier than that first night home from the hospital with her as a newborn.

After that we went to lunch at her favorite restaurant. One of the waitresses there is the daughter of a friend of R.'s. Her father had gotten out of the hospital after double by-pass surgery the day of the visitation. After a good sized Italian meal, she sent over three desserts. (The boyfriend was there too.) We all took turns with tiramisu, New York style cheesecake topped with fresh, local strawberries, and this incredibly rich brownie sundae with walnuts and caramel. Needless to say, Weight Watcher points were a fleeting memory. This was the first time ever I've left cheesecake on a plate, and it will probably be the last. She came up to us and told us how much her father loved R., and how he made her laugh every time she saw him. That was good to hear, because for years, I always told R. that no matter what happened, he could always make me laugh. I don't know when that stopped, but it was good to be reminded of when laughter was a regular part of our lives.

From there we went to the cemetery. It was a good 45 minute drive through small towns with nice stretches of real country. The cemetery R. wanted isn't in our town, but nearby. I hadn't been there in years before yesterday and had to make a couple of wrong turns. He had gone just days earlier and placed flowers on his grandparents' graves. It was another windswept, gorgeous spring day, and we gathered a few flowers that had blown away from the grave and tucked them back in the arrangements spread over the upturned soil. We collected a few from the pall and intend to preserve them. Eventually they'll be pressed in my generations old family Bible. We noticed that something had knocked over a couple of vases from a nearby headstone. Because it was something that R. would have done, we righted them and rearranged the flowers.

We came home to more company -- the good kind. My brother-in-law was just checking in, and he and the womanchild made a date for next week. We don't want the distance to grow between us again. The energy crash hit both of us not long ago. C. is already asleep, and I know I've dozed for a few moments. I hope real sleep comes soon, but if not, then meditation will.