Thursday, May 17, 2007

The weekly weigh in, week 36

The other night I had a dream that I was attending an art class. I entered the classroom with the other students. They went to their easels, and I went to the front of the classroom, took off my clothing and posed. I sat in the traditional meditation position with hands cupped palm upward on my knees, my eyes half closed. I looked like Buddha with breasts.

My internal observer was wide awake because it nearly screamed to the sleeping me, not the naked model dream me, "What are you doing?" It couldn't believe that I was casually and comfortably nude in front of people, and not just people, but strangers, in a dream. It wanted me to try to control the dream and make my dream self run and hide. I didn't even try. It's important to mention that this was not an erotic dream spun from some fantasy. Honestly if it hadn't been for that moment of lucidity when I knew I was dreaming, I doubt if I would have remembered the dream. In my dream, I just sat there. That was all.

Dreams of nudity aren't uncommon. What made this one stand out was that I was in my own body, the size I am now with all of my scars, moles, skin tags, broken veins, sun spots, wrinkles, and gray hairs, and I was fine with it. It may not sound like much, but in my naked dreams, at least the good ones, I've always had an idealized body. Regardless of how much I've worked on accepting this body, this self, part of me has always withheld that bit of love. I didn't even have the freedom in dreams to see myself as acceptable or beautiful, and now that is changing. I know this is tied in part to my weight loss, so that's why I'm writing about it in my weekly diet entry. I am becoming more comfortable in my body again. I like the changes I see. More than that, I like that I'm really believing in possibilities again. I'm not just talking myself into believing in them.

I've always thought that were basically two ways for a person to change. One was from the outside in, the other from the inside out. My diet is an outside in change. It's a behavior modification that's working. It's nurturing the other changes, but it wouldn't be possible without them. The inside out changes have been coming on slowly for years. The process has been so slow it's made me want to scream, but it's also working. If I hadn't begun years ago to fight for a better life, I never could have started much less stuck with the diet. I wouldn't have had the nerve to say that my marriage had been dying by inches for years. I wouldn't have the nerve to look at myself in the mirror and ask what do you really want to become. I wouldn't have the nerve to acknowledge and embrace that I have to start all over yet again.

In my dreams, I'm physically beautiful and emotionally serene, confident and strong -- just the way I am right now. In my life, I am becoming all of that and more.

Weekly summary: Weekly weight loss - 2.4 pounds, Total weight loss - 65.8 pounds, Average weekly weight loss -- 1.83 pounds.

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Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Why do your dreams all seem to make sense? Mine have me constantly turning into other people (or beings) and morphing from one weird scene to another...

I love what you drew from this dream, though...

May 17, 2007 11:54 PM  
Blogger Judith HeartSong said...

what a wonderful and evocative dream!

May 18, 2007 2:51 PM  
Anonymous laura said...

I wish I could tell you all the ways your post has made me feel good inside.

Instead I will just tell you I love you and let it go at that.

I love you.

May 18, 2007 7:39 PM  
Blogger TJ said...

You asked in an later entry about why you still blog, personal as it may be?
This entry is a great example.
I find you to be inspiring and a women with soul. Congrats on your re-invention! I am down 18 pounds and much much more to go.
Love TJ

May 23, 2007 7:49 AM  

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