Saturday, January 06, 2007

Head in the clouds

I'm in a bit of a fog lately. It's not depression. It's not even a mild case of the funky blues. I'm just basically out of it. I'm not thinking analytically, strategically, creatively, critically or even all that clearly This isn't a good time for me to feel detached from the world around me. It's time for me to be sharp, on the ball, alert, and engaged, but my mind is calling out for soft edges and blurred focus.

I think I may be a bit overwhelmed by what all I do have to do. I haven't written down my to do list, and it's just lurking in my brain, casting shadows that seem huge. There are large chores to be done, ones that will cause even more big changes in my life, changes I want, changes I need. They seem smaller and easier to handle when I see them in print. I might be afraid that I'm going to make a bigger mess of things. If I'm right about that, this fuzziness is one of two things. The unpleasant option would be that I'm running away and procrastinating again. The positive one is that I'm recharging and marshalling my energy for the work that lies ahead.

I haven't let the fuzz do too much damage to my work. I've been diligent if not my most aggressive. I've handled the daily responsibilities of my life, paying bills, tending the womanchild, working on the diet, the house, the car. I've been there for the latest round of the family trying to figure out what is wrong with my husband without adding fuel to the fire. It's not like I'm lying in bed staring at the sheet pulled over my face, but I'm not fully present, and I know it. I want to be though. Time's a-wastin', time's a-wastin' is the pulse beneath the fog.

Despite the springlike weather here, maybe I'm just being pulled by the natural draw of the winter season to rest. Maybe I do just need time to stare, and I don't need to beat myself up about it. I hope that's it. I hope this weekend will be enough to restore me. Despite the slowness and lack of clarity about what to do now, I know one thing. I have the itch to run towards wherever I'm heading.

3 Comments:

Blogger more cows than people said...

i know of what you write, (((((cynthia))))).

January 07, 2007 6:26 AM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

Sounds like something/one is trying to get through to you. How does it go, "stay still and listen"...?

January 07, 2007 8:02 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

January is a tough month. The post holiday blues mixed in with all the apprehension about what the new year holds. Plus your dieting. It's a lot, Cynthia, and it's understandable that you brain wants to step back from it all instead of engaging. It will get better.

January 07, 2007 7:53 PM  

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