Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Facing the day

Today, I'm wearing two pair of sweat pants, wool socks, a camisole, a turtleneck, and a heavy wool sweater I gave the husband a few years ago. (He's always been smaller than me, and now this fits!) I have a blanket wrapped around me. The womanchild, home sick from school yet again, is under three afghans and a quilt in front of the space heater. We both see the doctor today at 1:45. The husband is having someone come out and look at the heater today, and if it's not fixed by tonight, we'll be over at my mother-in-law's. I've lost my voice, I'm cold, and I'm grateful.

I needed my breakdown this weekend. A journal friend with whom I've lost touch once compared these to computer defrags. I think he was right. The system is running smoother. This doesn't mean that things don't just bite right now. Illness, car trouble, heater trouble in winter, getting behind in school, missing work -- none of these are fun. It is a lot to handle. It still feels like more than I'm up to right now, but it could be so much worse. A few more things could have gone wrong, and I wouldn't be worrying about the cold inside my home, but the cold period.

It's so easy to walk past a homeless person and pretend we don't see them. It's easy to sit in the judgment that these dirty, messy, scary people just have made poor choices that left them in the cold. It's so easy to think, "Well, if he'd gone to school, actually worked, put the bottle away, didn't do drugs, took his medication or whatever poor choice we identify, he wouldn't be where he is today." That always seems to come with a tiny, even subconscious, congratulations to ourselves that we have made the right, good and smart choices.

I have warm clothes. I have blankets. I have a heater. I have a doctor, and I even have insurance. I have a job and the education and skills to obtain another if I need to. I have a decent brain that functions fairly well within societal norms. I have a wonderful, loving, intelligent, spirited daughter. We might have made a mess of things, but my marriage had a lot of good as well as a lot of bad. I have been loved. I have family both by marriage and adoption that has stood by me through a lot of ongoing confusion, hurt and anger. Nicotine, caffeine and certain foods are my only addictions, and the side affects of those are considered within the range of acceptability. Hey, the one to caffeine is even praised.

Not all of my choices have been good ones. I've screwed up thousands of ways and have to take responsibility for those actions and their consequences. I've been lucky, and I've been blessed.
All is well, and all shall be well.



Anonymous andrena said...

amen and amen. You write so beautifully...have you ever thought about writing a book?h

January 16, 2007 11:10 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Cynthia, so glad your perspective has tilted. Stay warm, friend.

January 16, 2007 12:39 PM  

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