Saturday, October 07, 2006

Me, again

I just woke up from a dream about a work. I hate those. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, it's a bit of a treat even if the dream was some horrendous nightmare. A dream about my job, and not some scenario that could take place, but almost a step-by-step replay of one of the tedious aspects is a tremendous let down. I want my subconscious to have a larger playground than the confines of my office. Well, I'm sure it does, but I'd love to wake up from a dream about flying or the adventures I'd have while being able to breathe underwater. I want to be able to carry that sense of exhilaration and adventure with me throughout the day like a secret treasure, a pearl necklace tucked under a turtleneck sweater.

It's a moonbright night. The full moon was huge and close to the horizon as I was driving home. It was a movie star of a moon, the type of moon in Moonstruck, It's A Wonderful Life and Bruce Almighty, the type that says you've taken me for granted for too long, and you damn well will pay attention to me now. My yard is bathed in silver and blue, and I can hear my dogs restless and wakeful in their pen. It's a perfect Autumn night, cool, crisp, and just cloudy enough to create a glorious contrast to that luscious moon. I can't help but think of Van Morrison and Moondance ..."A fantabulous night to make romance 'neath the cover of October skies."

It's not the desire for romance though that's wakened me. It's hit me this week that I'm happier now than I've been in some time. It's not because of circumstances which still basically suck, but because I'm playing a real role in my life again. My days and activities are about more than just the needs of other people. It's not all about just my own wishes and desires, but they're getting to play an active role. I don't want my life to be just about me. That kind of selfishness has no appeal for me, but I really hadn't realized just how lost I had become in other people.

I have to admit that the weight loss (a sweet 17 pounds in three weeks now) helps. I can see it. I put on a dress the other day that will be going to the consignment shop this weekend. It used to be one of my favorites, a classically tailored black sheath with a long flowing vest in non-metallic golds, bronzes and rusts. It hung on me like a potato sack, and I hope some other large, beautiful woman will find it and enjoy it as much I did. I can feel it. My ankles don't look like taut, overfilled water balloons at the end of the day, and my feet don't throb with every step. In a couple of more weeks, I'll probably actually feel like upping the exercise.

I realized that if I weren't separated from my husband right now that I probably wouldn't be having the success on this diet that I am so far. This isn't about the desire to make myself more attractive for him or some potential relationship that might be out there. One of the things that always worked beautifully in our relationship was how attractive he found me. That holds a mighty strong appeal for a woman who's not beautiful in the traditional ways, and it was always received with appreciation. Why it wouldn't have worked before was that I would have let something else be more important. My weekly meeting falls right at the time I would normally be getting home, starting dinner and finding out what all I need to do in the evening. The daughter is capable enough to handle her own meal now. The husband's not filling the cabinets with the chips, crackers and snack cakes he preferred to real meals. In keeping the family happy, my meeting and food choices would have become a burden and not the pleasure that they have been. I've wanted to matter in my own life for some time, and it feels every bit as good as I thought it would.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm being flooded with phrases and thought snippets that I want to use in poetry. I always have a notebook on me, so I'm writing them down to use them when I do sit down to write. I don't want to waste these even if they never develop. I feel this might be just what I was supposed to pay attention to when I was called the other day. This is something almost new to me. I haven't done this since I was a teenager when poetry flowed as naturally as breath. I don't know how many will develop into poems, but it's gotten me into the mindset where I'm seeing and hearing the world with my writer's eyes and ears regardless of what I'm doing, and that feels so good.

My spiritual life has always been poised between the richly rewarding gifts of Christianity and less orthodox, experiential journeys of the spirit that don't contradict Christian beliefs but are not easily explained within the traditions. The latter I've always seen as some of the mysterious ways in which God/dess works, but they've been far apart in the last few months. They are waking as well with deep, rich and quiet blessings that have not reached the level of words.

I just struck me that while my dream tonight may have been mundane, my life is becoming less so. That strikes me as just about right.


Blogger Shelina said...

I am so glad that things are looking up for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

October 07, 2006 10:52 AM  
Blogger Wenda said...

Cynthia, Wow! Sounds like that voice has called you forward to a beautifully creative space.

October 07, 2006 5:49 PM  
Blogger Nelle said...

This reminds me of when my husband first moved out. For the first time in years I could focus on me. Even though he always had activities outside the home, all the things home and family related fell on my shoulders. It was liberating. I am now remarried but to someone who shares all those responsibilities and is wonderful in many other ways as well. Wherever your path leads I hope you end up as happy as I am.

October 07, 2006 9:31 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

It's a wonderful, accomplished, feeling to be in charge of your own life. What you can eat, when and how you prepare it..are only the beginning. It may eventually evolve into, what you do for activities, reading, TV, films, friends, politics, religion.. the list is endless when you realize you might actually deserve it..
good going...

October 08, 2006 6:33 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Sounds great. Hope you continue going with the flowing.

October 08, 2006 11:19 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I love that you seem to be in a place where you are discovering and encouraging yourself. Though the circumstances under which this has been happening might not be exactly as you would have wanted them... But sometimes things have to end, or at least change drastically, in order for us to really see what we need to see.

October 09, 2006 12:04 AM  

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