Sunday, June 18, 2006

Braiding disparate threads

The roads are flooding after two days of rain. On my in to the office this afternoon, I was beyond hydroplaning, I was hoping the water wouldn't come in under the doors and that my car would keep moving forward. I arrived soaked and chilled, wishing I was still in my own home re-reading The Secret Life of Bees. These weren't my clients. The only benefit for me on this rainy day was the knowledge that I was helping a friend. I wish that was enough for me to have enjoyed doing it, but I'm just not that good of a person. I did this because I feel like I need to maintain my focus on productive goals.

My writing and my creativity have just sucked lately, and that, along with the lack of proper medication, has drained some of the pleasure from my life. With nearly a week of an SSRI under my belt, I'm beginning to feel better. Though physicians advise that this type of medication can take a month before people feel effects, I've always had a reaction within about a week. I'm hoping that this is an indicator that the new prescription will work well for me. I'm also hoping that I'll open my eyes soon to seeing the world in more than literal terms. Though angst often fed my writing when I was younger, it destroys it now.

I've also been led to think about the Biblical admonition that a man cannot serve two masters. As I've had repeated projects fall apart at work over the last couple of months, my energy and my thoughts have been focused on making work better, on making the money that's slipped away from me. By many American standards, I'm far from a greedy person, but the responsibility of providing an income and the desire for a more rewarding life where I can do things like the travel I desire are sitting heavy on me now. It's a perfectly normal reaction, but it's also a personal and spiritual dilemma.

My creativity and my spirituality are so closely intertwined that I cannot separate them. My first image of God/dess is the Creator. One of my favorite (but now paraphrased) quotes from The Artist's Way is that creativity is the image of God in which we were made. The truth of that rings in my very bones. When I separate myself from my creative side, I separate myself from God/dess. So, when all of my focus is on making money, regardless of the comparative lack of greed, I've separated myself from God/dess.

It's time to shift my focus, to see how I can reflect the Creator in my work life, instead of holding it as something separate that is entirely up to me. It's a faithward leap that acknowledges God/dess as the provider of everything, including the skills and energy to do my job. There's such a major strain of abundance theology in the Christian media, and most of it really turns me off. There's an implication that if one isn't financially successful, it's a failure of faith. This is one of those times when I need to turn away from some of the voices of the Christian churches to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit.

So, work, money, anti-depressants, creativity and spirituality all tie in together. Depression has made work harder which has added to the depression which has taken away from the creativity, which has left my spirituality dry, fruitless. All of which has left me feeling very alone. The positive thing here is that I'm seeing the connections, the roots from which more can grow.


Blogger Lisa :-] said...

How wonderful would it be if our work lives could embody our creativity. I once had a book called, "Do What You Love, The Money Will Come." It was bullshit...

June 18, 2006 11:11 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...


Thinking of you, friend. I've been following your saga and want you to know I am here.

::::more hugs::::

June 18, 2006 11:12 PM  
Blogger beths front porch said...

Your entries are so lovely. It's been so long since I woke up with someone next to me I've forgotten what it's like. You helped me remember. Your entries do make a beautiful quilt.

June 19, 2006 7:20 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

I am so glad that you can feel them working already.

June 19, 2006 9:04 PM  

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