Monday, June 12, 2006

Soldiering on

It's been one of those miserably humid days where rain teased me all day long. Despite overcast skies, it just wouldn't come out to play. My daily travel left me looking and feeling as wilted and appealing as a dressed tossed salad left on the patio table too long. My self-consciousness really cut into my effectiveness today, and that just ticks me off.

I'm just rather disgusted and fed up with myself. I feel like an engine that's stuck in first gear, and I'm sick of the lack of progress. I keep having to repeat certain tasks over and over, and I'm ready to shout, " I finished you, now stay done! Let me move on!" Life just doesn't work that way though. I know this frustration and fear on my part is in part chemically based. A change in my insurance plan has meant that prescriptions have to be pre-qualified. My former doctor, who is not on my current insurance plan, prescribed my anti-depressants which are past due for a refill. This has delayed the pre-qualification for several weeks, and I can tell the difference in myself.

The vast majority of my acquaintances have no idea that I deal with depression on an ongoing basis. I've learned the art of the happy face and composed demeanor so well that it's even surprised past physicians. One particularly close friend has told me for years that depression isn't my problem. Then earlier this year, she experienced it for the first time in her fifty plus years. Another master of appearances, after bringing her spell under control, she told me she had no idea of the energy that it takes to keep the world unaware of the inner despair.

When fear, hopelessness, confusion, bad memories and pain fill you on the inside, everything on the outside comes with a steep price. I'm paying that price now. What keeps me going is knowing that things will be worse if I stop trying.


Blogger Lisa :-] said...

((((Cynthia)))) It's a sin that insurance issues have such power over our lives...

June 12, 2006 10:09 PM  
Anonymous elleme said...

High humidity affects me the same way...pushes me into a very real downward spiral, worsening the depression...and I hate summer for that reason. No one seems to be able to understand why they celebrate and I dread the coming of the summer months. The price of the happy face is indeed very high and sometimes I just don't have the resources to attain it.

June 13, 2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Bon & Mal Mott said...

I've been following your journey with interest, as you have apparently been following ours - you are in our thoughts and prayers.

June 13, 2006 12:27 PM  
Blogger Paula said...

Rainy days--consistent ones, anyway--just about kill me. I do have a bright light I sit in front of (makes fall and winter bearable)--will share when I see you. I'm working backward through your entries, trying to get caught up.
Love ya,

June 14, 2006 10:01 AM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

I fell into that hole for a time. Hid away here at the house as much as possible. More and more time in bed. Later and later nights. I'm not even sure how I came out of it. Except that God was there. God bless you Cynthia!

June 14, 2006 7:45 PM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

I fell into that hole for some time. Not venturing out. Feeling always alone. Sleeping more and more. Staying up later and later. Only doing the things that people would miss so much that they'd KNOW. Don't really know how I climbed out, just that God was there. God bless you Cynthia!

June 14, 2006 7:48 PM  

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