Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Reaching for normal

Another crappy day where everything feels like a struggle. I have to believe that within me, deep where I find that connection to God/dess, is the power to turn this around. I don't want to believe that the entire quality of my life is determined by a pill, but when I'm forced to go several weeks without anti-depressants, I have to fight to accomplish anything and feel no satisfaction and no joy from anything. I really have to wonder.

What ticks me off is I'm fighting myself. I don't mind a fight when there's purpose to it. In general, we appreciate the things we have to struggle for. We hold them dear because we know the cost. When I'm fighting myself, no matter what happens, I lose. This is why I sometimes personify depression. By making this illness a distinct thing, separate from myself, I have some hope of winning. If I am just the big waste of human space that depression would have me believe, there really is no point.

It's a mental balancing act that requires constant vigilance. When I feel the lethargy, the sadness, the apathy and indeed the outright pain, I have to remind myself that this is not an accurate picture of reality, that something has interfered with my perceptions. It's reality in that it's what I'm experiencing, but at the same time it's not. This means I'm constantly second guessing myself. Did I read that situation correctly? Did everyone else see me as big of a doofus as I saw myself? If I buy into that, I'm paralyzed.

When I'm on the right anti-depressants, life just feels normal. Some things are good. Some things are bad. Great joy and deep sorrow are both possible. I'm not just happily humming my way through whatever is around me, whether it's an apocalypse or a miracle. I feel like I'm capable of handling what comes my way, seeing the world as it is, and reacting appropriately. In between business calls, calls to the doctor, the insurance company and the pharmacy have been made. I'm waiting on the results. I will wait if necessary, and I will nag and complain if necessary. Life shouldn't be this way, but it is.

Normal is just outside of my grasp right now, but I am and will continue to fight to make it mine.

The fighting is worth it. I just heard from one of the doctor's offices involved. Zolofft is not covered by my current insurance, since it's not available in a generic, so I'm getting switched to Celexa. Let's see how it goes.


Blogger Celeste said...

Normal will come because you are reaching for it!

June 13, 2006 5:24 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Wow, I haven't been here in a while. You changed your template, your house! I sure wish you didn't have to go through these problems with your medication. It seems inhuman for the system to put you through this. Take care of yourself, please.

June 13, 2006 6:09 PM  
Blogger IndigoSunMoon said...

I've ran out of my antidepressants before, and within a week I can tell the difference. I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to take them to survive. And, I'm ok with that. Normal feels pretty good.
Love you!

June 13, 2006 8:32 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

You need the medication. Just like a diabetic or an asthmatic or someone with a heart condition would need theirs. It's not something to feel bad about. It simply is.

Glad that your insurance is at least going to get you something. But be very careful, please. I've heard scary stories about the differences between different brands of these meds...

June 14, 2006 12:59 AM  
Blogger Virginia said...

That's just utterly stupid that the insurance company, not your doctor, decides what medication is best for you. This is how absurdly stupid our health care system has become.

What happens if their choice of medication doesn't help you as well? Do you get the option to go back to what you know works?

Peace, Virginia

June 14, 2006 6:12 AM  
Blogger Paula said...

Oh, Cyn! I take Celexa, and it works well for me. Hope it works for you. We will get caught up on this when I see you down south. Hope to know exact dates sometime soon (me interview went REALLY well--waiting to hear on that...).

Love ya,
Hang on, hang on,

June 14, 2006 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anne/ksquester said...

What I hate far more than depression is the fact that insurance dictates what kind of healthcare you are going to receive. It's usually a young person who decides and declines. May their sorry souls rot in hell! Talk about making depression worse, jumping through all of those hoops would do it, PLUS add an anxiety attack on top of it. OH, they are sorry bastards! Anne

June 15, 2006 10:07 PM  

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