Coming into the light

This has been a week of worry and I'm sad to say more than a fair share of self-pity. In the range of human emotions, that's the one I like the least. I don't like pity in general. When one experiences pity, despite the compassion one feels, there's usually a drop of superiority in the emotional stew. With self-pity, it's the feeling that I deserve better than this.

Recognizing that made me take a good, unblinking look at myself and say, "Nope, you're pretty much where you deserve to be. Now what are you going to do about it?" I came up with one plan to address the biggest problem, and today, in one phone call, I found that problem had resolved itself. With that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I feel the freedom to handle everything else.

I don't know everything I need to do, but I do know a few things. I have to stay true to myself. While I don't need any more self pity, I can offer myself more true sympathy -- compassion and credit for who I am and what I've done, and I can do this with the real humility which is essentially an honest, unpretentious self-knowledge. I can be honest about the fear I feel but refuse to let it trap me into sabotaging myself anymore. I can have faith that I have the tools I need to do the jobs I have to do. That is enough for a good beginning.