Sunday, February 26, 2006

Coming into the light

This has been a week of worry and I'm sad to say more than a fair share of self-pity. In the range of human emotions, that's the one I like the least. I don't like pity in general. When one experiences pity, despite the compassion one feels, there's usually a drop of superiority in the emotional stew. With self-pity, it's the feeling that I deserve better than this.

Recognizing that made me take a good, unblinking look at myself and say, "Nope, you're pretty much where you deserve to be. Now what are you going to do about it?" I came up with one plan to address the biggest problem, and today, in one phone call, I found that problem had resolved itself. With that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I feel the freedom to handle everything else.

I don't know everything I need to do, but I do know a few things. I have to stay true to myself. While I don't need any more self pity, I can offer myself more true sympathy -- compassion and credit for who I am and what I've done, and I can do this with the real humility which is essentially an honest, unpretentious self-knowledge. I can be honest about the fear I feel but refuse to let it trap me into sabotaging myself anymore. I can have faith that I have the tools I need to do the jobs I have to do. That is enough for a good beginning.

6 Comments:

Blogger Paula said...

Rock on, C.

February 26, 2006 10:25 PM  
Blogger Vicky said...

Cynthia, this is wonderful - and I should take a leaf (or indeed a whole chapter) out of your book. You are a wonderful example to those of us who like to indulge in the old self-questioning.

Thanks for this uplifting entry,

Love, Vicky

February 26, 2006 11:52 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Sounds like things are falling in place where they are supposed to be. Take care.

February 28, 2006 5:23 AM  
Blogger TJ said...

Smart chickapoo! See it, believe it and then take care of it. I love when I can get the monkeys off my back and i hate unfinished business. I have taken a few steps also I hope that will take me to a better place of "self". ahhhh the years of aging takes so much more energy then I had once thought!
TJ

March 01, 2006 3:14 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

WooHoo! Nice post and uplifting.

Peace

March 01, 2006 3:17 PM  
Blogger Judith HeartSong said...

you are a wise woman.

March 01, 2006 7:13 PM  

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