Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A brief clearing

I've been living life in the cliche' of two speeds, full steam ahead and full stop. It's not what I prefer, but I'm having to relearn how to pace my life since I've gladly accepted the responsibilities of being an employee. With my own business, I had a rhythm and routine that worked, even though some crunch times were inevitable. I haven't found the right rhythm on this job yet, and my whole life feels a little out of synch.

I alternate between being very focused and drifting in and out of a fog. It's not the dark and scary fog of depression. It's more like a semi-sweet, bland nothingness. I'm not used to this, but I have the feeling that my fog is serving a purpose. I can get so wrapped up in schedules and agendas that this may be enforcing the need for rest and self-restoration.

What I know that I need to do is turn everything off. Leave the TV, radio, CD player, DVD player mute. Turn off the icemaker with its humming and clinking. Shut the door on the bathroom with the dripping faucet, then take a full retreat into the fog. I don't need to read. I don't need to write (even though the writing hasn't been going well). I don't need to try to consciously pray. I don't need to lie down and sleep. (For the last week or so, I've actually been sleeping relatively well.) I just need to surrender to the fog, submit to the silence and see what emerges.

Sometimes I hate knowing what I need to do when I'm not ready to do it.


Blogger Paula said...

"submit to the silence"


February 22, 2006 9:45 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Yes, I understand completely. Very excellently described, Cynthia. I know that "fog."

February 22, 2006 10:06 PM  
Blogger Globetrotter said...

It sounds as though you are giving yourself excellent advice.

I've decided that my own feelings of unrest lately are directly related to an over abundance of spam. Not just computer spam, but the junk that invades us every time we turn on the TV, radio or pick up a magazine in a doctor's office. The information age is definitely making me ADD.

Today the hubby and I had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the water. We hadn't eaten out in a while but decided to go celebrate his new state of unemployment, rather than staying home and being depressed about it. A tremendous fog blew in unexpectedly across the Gulf from Heaven knows where. Sitting out there on the veranda I realized how welcoming the fog felt as it settled in around me. It is something that happens quite rarely in the Sunshine state where blue skies and sunshine seem endless. We both enjoyed it tremendously, as gray and dismal as it was, though we couldn't explain why.

So on some level, I can totally relate to what you are saying.


February 23, 2006 6:50 PM  
Blogger dreaminglily said...

Every once in a while that has to happen I think... Where everything else needs to melt away and you're left with simply being...

Good entry...


February 25, 2006 1:16 PM  
Blogger TJ said...

I am not sure I could ever achieve total peace and quiet...unless i went deaf!

February 25, 2006 7:31 PM  
Blogger Wenda said...

"Sometimes I hate knowing what I need to do when I'm not ready to do it." I'm with you on this one. In the past, I've even avoided the knowing to avoid the doing, but I think I'm getting better at sitting with the knowing ("submitting to the silence?")until I am ready to act.

February 27, 2006 12:39 AM  

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