The feel of a good morning
In the last few weeks, I've rediscovered something wonderful -- sleep. After long years of insomnia, my body and brain have decided to cooperate. I find myself yawning around ten p.m. and soon afterwards, this miracle occurs. I'll lie down. I won't have to rotate the pillow a few dozen times. I don't play Twister with my sheets. Somehow, the world just slides away. Sweet bliss as delectable as dark chocolate.
I woke this morning around five, rested, moving slowly, but ready to move without my body grudgingly complaining. Sunrises look entirely different when you're up only minutes as opposed to hours before them. Coffee tastes better when you drink it without the need for the caffeinated kick start. I'd forgotten how good all this feels, and the idea that I have hours to enjoy before work feels as good to my soul as silk does to my skin.
I can't help thinking about how a few years ago I treasured my early mornings because they were the only time I had to myself. Deeply protective of those, stiff, achy and bleary eyed minutes, I rose early because it was the only time I had to be me without the additional layers of responsibilities and roles. I loved many of those roles. Being wife, mother, daughter, friend, volunteer, business person and more all contributed to the core of who I am. I've found though that it was easier to just be me when I only had to do it minutes each day.
Being just me, the me I want to be, has become a challenging and rewarding full time job. The hard part has been acknowledging the parts of me that I don't really like. That means there are decisions to be made about either changing or accepting those parts. What is surprisingly, but equally, challenging is really engaging what I love about myself in activities where I can let the best part of me grow, contribute, and even shine. I feel like I'm inches away from ground zero in all of this, but damn it, those inches matter.
I woke this morning around five, rested, moving slowly, but ready to move without my body grudgingly complaining. Sunrises look entirely different when you're up only minutes as opposed to hours before them. Coffee tastes better when you drink it without the need for the caffeinated kick start. I'd forgotten how good all this feels, and the idea that I have hours to enjoy before work feels as good to my soul as silk does to my skin.
I can't help thinking about how a few years ago I treasured my early mornings because they were the only time I had to myself. Deeply protective of those, stiff, achy and bleary eyed minutes, I rose early because it was the only time I had to be me without the additional layers of responsibilities and roles. I loved many of those roles. Being wife, mother, daughter, friend, volunteer, business person and more all contributed to the core of who I am. I've found though that it was easier to just be me when I only had to do it minutes each day.
Being just me, the me I want to be, has become a challenging and rewarding full time job. The hard part has been acknowledging the parts of me that I don't really like. That means there are decisions to be made about either changing or accepting those parts. What is surprisingly, but equally, challenging is really engaging what I love about myself in activities where I can let the best part of me grow, contribute, and even shine. I feel like I'm inches away from ground zero in all of this, but damn it, those inches matter.
posted by Cynthia at
6:22 AM
3 Comments:
It could be that your soul is finally getting the long vacation that it needs after years of turmoil. I found that after a four day vacation that my lovely wife and I had, I was able to get up at 6 AM with no problem.
Yeah...things are different when you "get" to be yourself every hour of every day. These days, I've been kind of overwhelmed by the parts of me I don't actually like...
My insomnia waxes and wanes and when I have to work a full day and pay close attention it's hard. Glad yours is so much better. :)
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