Thursday, May 21, 2009

Finding what I need

I have been in the worst mood all day long. One of my dogs bit me the other night. He's nine years old and has never even nipped at anyone. I had to get 12 stitches. My arm has been throbbing all day, but I have used it more today. I can do things like open a can again. The swelling has gone down enough for me to put on rubber gloves and do dishes. I'm glad for that, but Tylenol just isn't cutting it, and I used the last Vicodin the ER doctor gave me yesterday. On top of this, I've found out that three jobs I've interviewed for went to other people.

So I've been feeling betrayed by the dog and rejected by people. I had the chance to go to a party this evening, but I ended up not being able to go. I'm finally ready to see and be with people again, and stuff keeps getting in the way. Then my computer started acting up. All of this let fear out of Pandora's box, and I just fell into a big, old nasty swamp of negative emotions. Unfortunately, I let them spill onto someone I really care for.

I get really sick of myself when I get like this. Since mine is the only company I really have right now, that simply won't do. I started to write another dreary, self pitying POS but made myself stop. I opened my window, and the night air was and still is soft. I can hear tree frogs, insects and an owl. The scent of grass and pollen is on the air, and it's beautiful, even if it will stuff my nose if I keep the window open much longer. My kitchen is clean for the first time since Sunday night. The womanchild brought a friend over for a few minutes this evening, a beautiful young woman I've watched grow up. She borrowed luggage and a couple of hats for a trip to a Gay Pride festival. As she tried on the beach hats that embarass my daughter so much, she told me it felt like playing dress up again. I just had to smile.

There will always be plenty of bad stuff to get me upset, frustrated and sad. We can all count on that. It's just too easy to get caught up in all the garbage, but if I look for it, I can always find a bit of beauty in the day. I want to make a point of remembering that.


Anonymous Joe said...

Counting your blessings each day is certainly healthier than getting caught up with the frustrating things in life.

May 21, 2009 3:09 AM  
Blogger Magdalene6127 said...

Oh, Cynthia... so sorry about the dog. In a way... that's the hardest thing I read in here (maybe it's just me).

I love the story about the womanchild and friend playing dress-up. Very sweet to recapture a glimpse of those moments. SO glad you found that beauty.

May 21, 2009 6:52 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

I have been thinking much the same thing -- about trying to register glimpses of the lovely things in each day.

May 21, 2009 7:16 AM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

Bad doggie! Sorry about your funk. I just hope things get better soon for everybody. The weather and fragrance in TN is beautiful. Have you seen the jnls. that post 3 for 365? I believe you write down three things daily that make your day. Kind of like a gratitude jnl. Kind of like thanking God every night before going to bed. Very hard sometimes.

May 21, 2009 9:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

That practice of actively looking for something beautiful in every day has sometimes been the only way I could make it through a day. Remember "Ten Good Things?" It was very helpful through a bad time in my life.

May 21, 2009 9:37 AM  
Blogger Indigo said...

It's a hard thing to do, to remember to look for that bit of beauty but it's there. I needed to remind myself of that yesterday. I was having one of those days myself. (Hugs)Indigo

May 21, 2009 11:37 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

I am sorry your dog did that on several levels. As an animal lover things like that are very disturbing. Please know that your real friends will understand you are not on an easy path. I hope things get easier soon.

May 22, 2009 8:39 PM  

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