Called on the carpet
Part of my role in the family has always been the motivator, the one who pushed everybody else to look at the bright side, to not give up, to push on through. I haven't been able to keep that up this year. Oh, I've tried, and when it's been absolutely essential for the womanchild, I was able to do at least a little, and when I couldn't keep it up, my more naturally upbeat friends stepped up to the plate and did it for me. The only thing was that I wasn't doing it for myself any more.
Every time C. and I saw each other, we kept saying, "Why are you mad at me?" Neither of us was mad. We were irritable. I was fed up with teenage attitude (which is still a remarkable improvement over teenage PTSD symptoms). She was fed up with my life sucks attitude. Tonight it came to a head and after a few heated words, we apologized and then she said, "Come back here. I'm not done lecturing you." (Wonder where she learned that phrase.) She basically said that it was time for me to get going again, and that she wants and her father would want me to be happy. I quote,"Mom, you're a smart and pretty woman, and you shouldn't go through life being miserable."
Well, she is right, but hearing it laid out that plainly was a smack upside the head. I've got some work to do. I may be "faking it til I make it" for awhile, but I'm basically a pro at that. I'm so good at faking being upbeat that it makes me feel like a fraud sometimes, but I know from experience that it can work towards getting me back to feeling more positive. In the time being, all I'll say is what a kid I've got.