For days now, I've had problems with my DSL service. Coincidentally, this has coincided with an upsurge in the road work occurring on my street. It felt strange when I looked at my blog today and realized that I hadn't posted anything in over a week. I also haven't written anything in my private, handwritten journal. Eight days without writing isn't good for me, yet I just haven't had a damn thing to say. That, more than the technical difficulties, is the biggest reason I haven't written.
It's not entirely accurate though. I do have things I'd like to say, but they're inappropriate, so inappropriate that I can't even express them privately. I just can't handle everything I'm feeling, and I'm too scattered to do any serious thinking.
Just writing that makes me feel pathetic, like I'm writing yet another entry that screams, "Feel sorry for me!" Yet that's the last thing I want.
So many things are better now. I have transportation. I have an income. I am around people, and I make them smile, laugh and sometimes even feel better in a stressful situation. I'm really good at dealing with bride's mothers who are stressed by definition. I enjoy feeling that little bit competency. I am aware and at least intellectually grateful for the positive things that have been happening, but there's still this big disconnect between my mind and my feelings.
There are times I just wonder if I'll ever get my shit together, and if it's really worth the effort.