A little insight
I've been back at work for a week now. It's a pleasant little job, and after six months of job seeking and rejection, I'm grateful to have it. I'm still looking for another part-time job, but doing that while I have a job gives me a lot more confidence. What I'm enjoying the most is feeling like I actually have a personality again. I'll always love my personal time, but too much is a bad thing for this old girl. I forget how to laugh when I'm alone too much, and laughter ranks high on the need list, not too far down from oxygen, water, food, clothing and shelter.
Sadness is an isolating thing. It encapsulates you, providing a barrier from the pain you just can't handle yet and the joy you crave and feel you don't deserve. For me, one of the hardest losses I've had to endure was a disconnect from my spiritual life. With all due respect to my many Christian friends, all I've been left with has been religion. For me, spirituality is about connection to God, to my fellow humans, to all of creation. It's about consciousness and awareness. That is the starting point from which everything else -- love, obedience, service, contemplation, support, healing and yes, religion -- flows and eventually ends
I wonder if denying myself laughter also led to my denying myself that connection or if it worked the other way around. I know that the Creator is the God of broken places and people as well as all that is whole. My own form of broken-ness left me unable to sense the all the connections. It left me rarely able to laugh, and I've learned that my spirituality comes from a quietly merry place. I'm not there yet, but I think I can see it. It took being around people again to begin clearing my eyes.