Saturday, October 11, 2008

A change of season or a season of change

The last few days have given me my first real taste of fall. With days in the upper seventies and low eighties and nights in the forties and fifties, I'm coming into my time of year. Autumn has always been when I've felt my energy rise after being sapped by summer's heat. I'm hoping it will work this year. I'm really hoping that I'll find my resilience restored. One of my biggest fears lately has been that I've lost my ability to bounce back from things. In one of those "I don't know how but will believe anyway" acts of faith, I'm refusing to believe that insistent, nagging doubt.

Instead, I'm going to enjoy fresh breezes and the leaves that are just now starting to turn colors here. My holly bushes are filled with berries that are dull orange now. Come winter, they will be dotted with bright red. The nandinas along my driveway have started their cool weather transformation from green to burgundy. Even when I'm in the middle of migraine pain aura, I can still see how the soy bean field across the street looks like a Van Gogh celebration of yellows, golds and greens. On weekdays, I can hear the noisy ruckus of children at recess on the elementary school playground, and it's a happy sound now instead of an innervating annoyance.

It's hurt to see beauty and happiness for a long time now. I've actually felt resentful when I've seen couples in their seventies and eighties out together, knowing I won't have that. I have to welcome good things back into my life because I want more than sadness and pain. Part of the process of mourning has been accepting that sadness and pain, allowing it to have the room it's needed.

It's time to say that beauty has room in my life. Yes, the pain and the loss are still there, as sharp and demanding as ever, but there has to be room for more. I have to make the room. It's a conscious effort, and that's why I've been surfing for art. It's one of the ways I seek good things.

The painting is Alphonse Mucha's Autumn.

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Blogger Sarah S-D said...

this is my first fall in your state and i'm used to brilliant color in september, and true crispness (even coldness) in october. still feels like summer to me... perhaps in time, i'll get use to it.

this is my season too... looking forward to it cooling down even further.

October 12, 2008 5:34 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

The fall is especially nice this year.

In reading your thoughts, I have to say it seems that you are making very positive steps in moving through your grief. You are right, it is a conscious effort and I am thrilled to see you taking those efforts. Keep thinking and moving.

October 12, 2008 8:55 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

I never realized that you too are a Cancer. Autumn is MY season. I just love it. In New Jersey there are orchards everywhere with signs inviting you to pick your own apples and pumpkins.
In time I am sure you will make room in your life. You are a young woman and who knows what life has in store for you. Be patient and remember that times heals all wounds. If not a total healing, certainly a lessening of the pain.
Wishing you a beautiful Autumn.

October 12, 2008 1:00 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

One of my friends tells me that she is so often agonizingly envious when she sees elderly couples, for the same reason that you are.

As far as autumn -- my favorite season, but I am nowhere near as far along as you are. Last year I was really sick with a virus for much of October and very aware of missing the best month. This year I am so sick at heart that I see it and turn away.

Your words give me some hope for spring, though.

October 12, 2008 3:07 PM  

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