Sunday, June 17, 2007

Just a big ole mess of a girl

Because I'm not together enough to call myself a woman today.

This has been a rough weekend for me. Yesterday was my 21st wedding anniversary. It's been eleven months to the day since I asked my husband to move out. I thought by this time that we'd either be together again, moving forward to a better marriage and life or divorced and building separate lives. Instead, we're neither. It's strange, stagnant, sad and more than a little painful. He says he loves me, but the actions that I need -- being an attentive, reliable, consistent partner and helpmate sharing mutual goals, work, pleasures and heartbreaks -- just aren't there. I know that my feelings for him are complex. I do love him. I don't know how to quit loving him, even when what drew me to him and kept me with him, seems buried under so much apathy.

I like to think that I've been a pretty good mother, but my very real shortcomings and outright failures as a parent have been forcefully brought to my attention in the last couple of days. I know that teenagers are dramatic, but there's also some real truth in there, and writing all this off to teen angst would be am irresponsible form of denial.

And now, it's Father's Day, and I'm missing my dad so much. It's been three years since he died, and I feel like I really should have moved farther forward. He's someone else that I can't help feeling I let down, and it's just way past time to let that go. I also think he'd be proud of how much weight I've lost, but he'd still remind me of how much more I need to lose. Will I ever get over the need for therapy?

I'm too neurotic for words this morning, too messed up and twisted for human company. Once again, I feel like I've been way too personal in way too public of a forum, but it's still here. I know that I'm not the only one who feels stuff like this, so why am I ashamed of it?

I'm craving comfort and reassurance that I'm not all that bad, but there's none to be found. I freaking being so damn weak and needy.

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Blogger more cows than people said...

My grace is sufficient for you. My power is perfected in weakness. So Paul once heard Jesus say to him, I believe on a day much like you're having.


sending you love abundant.

June 17, 2007 6:36 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

I remember a time when I felt the same way about my previous marriage. I finally realized, with the help of an excellent therapist that my husband did not have the very things that I most needed and he would never change. I had to make a decision to live the rest of my life like that or not. I chose not and it was difficult but I had to move on. Not sure what is right for you, only you can know that. You are much stronger than you think you are. I am certain of that. You are on a journey of life and I believe that in time you will have it all figured out.
Hugs today,

June 17, 2007 9:12 AM  
Blogger Charlene said...

You know you have moved forward in LOTS of ways. I can't imagine my dad not being there, and I'm sure it's lonely. Yours sounds like mine - honest to the bone... Take that as your reminder to go forward. Have a look here to see if this can direct you past the funk you're in.

June 17, 2007 11:06 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Oh, Cynthia, huge hugs for you.

I hope you are able to resolve the marriage issue soon. My guess is that you have learned a great deal about decision making and being who you want to be from your weight loss experience and that soon you will be able to apply all that in other arenas.

As far as your dd is concerned -- don't we all feel it ! -- the recognition that we were not paragons of parenting. But trust me on this one, it's hardly you at all. The wreckage of adolescence in pretty astonishing, no matter who or how wonderful the parents.

I'm so sorry you don't have your father still. He would be blown away by the woman you have become.

June 17, 2007 11:41 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Cyn, aren't most humans really a mess and really needy? It all just explains why we (you) are so drawn to art. I do wish with all my heart you'd write your stories and become the author so many of us need. You could put such a unique stamp on the world. Do look into some MFA programs. Some of them are long-distance programs, so you could stay home and work and also do the program. If you go into massage therapy, just make sure you save time to write because that is your talent. XXXOOXOXOX

June 17, 2007 12:07 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

Neurotic, messed up and twisted?

Insecure, plagued by regret and yearning for things that might have been?

Craving comfort and reassurance that you're not all that bad, yet hating being so weak and needy?

What, have you been reading my diary? ;)

I don't know, hon. But you sound pretty normal to me. And not bad at all.

Hugs, Cynthia. I hear you. This too shall pass.

June 17, 2007 4:39 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Well, I'd say that the anniversary of a marriage in limbo is a primo day to develop neuroses.

Pile on top of that fathers day for a much missed father, teen-age angst and all the other crap you've been dealing with lately... "Neurose" away, my dear.

Of course you're not all that bad. I know MY life wouldn't be the same without you... :-]

June 17, 2007 8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cynthia! I'm so excited to find you! We became acquainted at AOL Journals...I just found you through your link at Paula Lambert's blog...thought I recognized you... BIG hugs (((((((((((((((((((C)))))))))))))))))))) for your latest post...I am right there with you...seriously...I know. So good to see you. ;) Smooches, C. ("thedailies"...remember?)

June 17, 2007 11:50 PM  

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