Mea culpa, mea asinus

Something in me snapped today. I've been beating myself up for months. For weeks, I've been sent into a well of pain by migraines. Even now, I'm typing with one eye shut against the light. I've cried. I've prayed. I've watched everything in my life, except my weight, get steadily worse, for months. I've totalled up loss after loss and told myself, it's because you haven't managed your life well. You've screwed up,and you're just getting what you deserve.

Today, that stopped. I got mad, but this time, it wasn't at myself. I have gotten a raw deal, and my fault is that I've just taken it.

Screw it.

This weekend, the locks get changed. I may have pushed the husband out of the house, but he left his junk, and he's taking things that I use when I'm not here. His crap is going to the curb, and if the neighbors don't like the mess out there until the sanitation department can pick it up, screw them.

I went into my office to quit today. My income has been steadily declining. In fact, my job has become an expense rather than an income. My boss talked me into staying for a while longer. She gets one week, and if my three loans in process can't get a clear to close by next Friday, I'll be gone.

I'm making notes on note cards for one of the most difficult personal phone calls I'll ever have to make. I want to remain focused and unemotional. This will need the same preparation as any speech I've ever made. The issue may be personal, but a lot rides on it, and this will essentially be a sales presentation. It could be the most difficult and important one I ever make.

I spoke with the regional manager for Weight Watchers, and she is helping me resolve the issue with Tenncare to resume coverage for my weight loss program. After this last phone call, it looks like this will be resolved by Monday. I told her that I was determined to be one of their success stories. She said I already was and when I reached my goal, I'd be leading meetings. I'm going to hold her to that.

I'm not saying that I haven't made mistakes that haven't contributed to the overall sucky state of my life now, but I can look and see where I've let other people's agendas influence my actions and choices. I've been trying to please everybody, and I've just let my own life get more and more miserable.

I've let a lot of people tell me just what a screw up I am and why I'm so bad. Today, it looks like I've just been following poor directions.

Where I have failed has been in not trusting myself. That has to end, and this could easily be the scariest change I've made to date.

anger, self-empowerment