Friday, March 23, 2007

Mea culpa, mea asinus

Something in me snapped today. I've been beating myself up for months. For weeks, I've been sent into a well of pain by migraines. Even now, I'm typing with one eye shut against the light. I've cried. I've prayed. I've watched everything in my life, except my weight, get steadily worse, for months. I've totalled up loss after loss and told myself, it's because you haven't managed your life well. You've screwed up,and you're just getting what you deserve.

Today, that stopped. I got mad, but this time, it wasn't at myself. I have gotten a raw deal, and my fault is that I've just taken it.

Screw it.

This weekend, the locks get changed. I may have pushed the husband out of the house, but he left his junk, and he's taking things that I use when I'm not here. His crap is going to the curb, and if the neighbors don't like the mess out there until the sanitation department can pick it up, screw them.

I went into my office to quit today. My income has been steadily declining. In fact, my job has become an expense rather than an income. My boss talked me into staying for a while longer. She gets one week, and if my three loans in process can't get a clear to close by next Friday, I'll be gone.

I'm making notes on note cards for one of the most difficult personal phone calls I'll ever have to make. I want to remain focused and unemotional. This will need the same preparation as any speech I've ever made. The issue may be personal, but a lot rides on it, and this will essentially be a sales presentation. It could be the most difficult and important one I ever make.

I spoke with the regional manager for Weight Watchers, and she is helping me resolve the issue with Tenncare to resume coverage for my weight loss program. After this last phone call, it looks like this will be resolved by Monday. I told her that I was determined to be one of their success stories. She said I already was and when I reached my goal, I'd be leading meetings. I'm going to hold her to that.

I'm not saying that I haven't made mistakes that haven't contributed to the overall sucky state of my life now, but I can look and see where I've let other people's agendas influence my actions and choices. I've been trying to please everybody, and I've just let my own life get more and more miserable.

I've let a lot of people tell me just what a screw up I am and why I'm so bad. Today, it looks like I've just been following poor directions.

Where I have failed has been in not trusting myself. That has to end, and this could easily be the scariest change I've made to date.



Blogger Nelle said...

You will never know how much I can relate to this entry. I have tried to do things with the advice of others and have found that I have to be true to myself. I think changing the locks is a necessity. Sounds to me like you are taking charge and I know that you will know what is best for YOU. Good luck!

March 23, 2007 4:30 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

:::hugs::: You know where to find me. I'm always here for you.

March 23, 2007 7:09 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I'm sending you an email...

March 23, 2007 8:52 PM  
Blogger Wenda said...

anger and self-empowerment. i hope this scares off the migraine.

March 24, 2007 12:24 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Cynthia, I think I haven't realized exactly how hard things are for you right now. Remember there are friends out here who care.

March 24, 2007 2:10 AM  
Blogger beths front porch said...

I am very proud of you and pulling for you. I too use notecards with scripts for difficult phone calls, am in weight watchers, and have left the hubby's stuff by the street. Sounds like you are empowering yourself. It's more than locks that are being changed right now.

March 24, 2007 6:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am with you all the way, Cynthia. Sounds to me like you are taking all the steps you need to in a powerful and methodical way. I am so glad the WW thing is working out because you have had such a triumph there and you deserve to continue on that path without hassle. YOu have my prayers and many thoughts this wekeend and next week as you move through all that you are taking on.

Gannet Girl

March 24, 2007 6:38 AM  
Blogger sunflowerkat said...

Sometimes it's so hard to evaluate life and accept that changes MUST be made. You are obviously going through an extrememly difficult time, but you have the strength to take the actions you need to take.

I'm thinking about you Cynthia, and you have all my support.

March 25, 2007 10:49 AM  
Blogger Magdalene6127 said...

Good for you ((((Cynthia)))).

Good for you. Prayers for power and peace--

Years ago a friend prayed with me that I be angry enough and peaceful enough in a difficult letter I had to write. I pray that for you.

Love, Mags

March 25, 2007 2:09 PM  
Blogger Sandy Carlson said...

I hear you on this one! Just had a great conversation with a friend about the friends we don't choose but who choose us and make us miserable because we think we have to let them. Life's too short to to be involved in situations that are delilberately destructive. I am taking up your flag and marching with you in my prayers. Good on ya!

March 25, 2007 8:49 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Blessings for the journey.

March 26, 2007 8:17 PM  

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