Saturday, December 30, 2006

Facing the new

I am so glad it's the weekend. Despite the shortened work week, this has been the longest week I've had in so long. Suspended between two big holidays, nothing has felt quite normal. Work has been a bit frustrating with people off and many, myself included, not being up to full swing. That hasn't stopped the deadlines from looming large though, and I'm glad I can forget about them until Tuesday.

New Year's Eve isn't a big holiday for me. I've gotten too uncomfortable in crowds to really enjoy going out to a public event, but it just hit me that I will be spending this New Year's alone. I haven't done that in 25 years. There will be no one to kiss at midnight. Now, this really doesn't feel sad, but it is different. I'm in this funky, wishy-washy phase in my separation. The husband and I separated because I couldn't stand what we had become together, yet I did and do still love him. He still infuriates me, and we've had enough time apart where I can see that the changes I need from him, from us as a couple and from me just haven't happened.

This isn't to say that we're not both changing, but it certainly hasn't been as expected. That's the way life works sometimes, so I know that this coming year will bring an even bigger decision than the one I made when we separated. I'm torn between the good in being together or the good in being alone. Our good times were really good. We've never been as financially secure as I would have liked, but we've known times of deep, rich laughter, connection, understanding and acceptance that have been rare in this world. Giving that up is significant. Giving up what wasn't good means growth, a different peace and a stronger sense of self. I haven't made the big decision but I know that it's coming. One cannot stay in limbo forever.

So, in facing a New Year, I know that I'm really facing a new phase of life. Either, we really commit to making the changes that will bring us happiness and peace of mind as a couple and a family or we find separate paths. There are things that we still have to learn before we can make this decision. There are issues involving his health that must be clarified. If some of our problems have been caused by an illness that hasn't been managed properly, we need to know what needs to changed. I need to know if he cares enough to make those necessary changes without me taking the bulk of the responsibility for his health. There are other basic life management issues which we need to address as well. I've always regarded my wedding vows as sacred vows, promises I made to God as well as my husband. I don't make a sacred promise lightly (note the five years of dating in our relationship), and I don't ask lightly to be released from it.

New Year's is Janus' time. We all turn one face to the past and another to the future. The past seems less significant to me than it ever has in my lifetime. Sometime in this past year, I have made major strides towards letting go. I can honestly say that this is one of the most notable of God's graces that I have received in 2006. Though the understanding of what has made me into who I am isn't complete, it's strong enough for me to focus more on who I am becoming. In seeing options in my future, I have been given the gift of the present moment. Who I am becoming is part of who I am. It's not one or two big looming decisions that will determine what my future holds. It's how I live as I go along.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Once again, your last paragraph contains the thing that speaks to me most.

I think we huans have a tendency to live either in the past, where life always WAS better, or in the future, where life will always BE better. We forget to enjoy the moment. People who face life-threatenig health issues often say they have learned how to live in the moment, and they always treat it as a great gift. Maybe we should all learn that lesson before we look death in the face.

December 30, 2006 11:37 AM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

Praying you'll find yourself in that you are meant to be in the New Year. All wisdom, joy and comfort to you!

December 31, 2006 12:56 PM  
Blogger Nelle said...

As you know my new year begins without a guarranteed paycheck. I thought I would be more fearful but I actually am excited about the changes that will come. None of us know what a new year will bring but I think you are on the path that will bring you to a much happier and peaceful play for yourself. Wishing you the best for 2007!

December 31, 2006 3:19 PM  

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