The weekly weigh in, week 15

Tonight was the first time I really didn't want to go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'm retaining so much water from this lingering UTI that I feel like a member of the Squarepants family. Despite that I'd been conscious about eating carefully over Christmas, I knew that I hadn't counted my points for four days of the week and thought that I'd really blown it.

I am so glad I went!

When I hit the scales tonight (after removing the suit jacket, scarf, watch, all jewelry and sneaking off my shoes which you're not supposed to do), I registered a 7.4 pound loss. I think some of this behavior modification stuff just might be sinking in. My total weight loss so far is 38.8 pounds. This was the second of three milestones in my diet this week.

The first was something that I never thought that I'd be thrilled about. I can actually buy clothes at discount stores again. 38.8 pounds has meant a difference of four clothing sizes, and I haven't bought anything since I began dieting. I've never minded spending money to dress the way I want to, but I still have a long way to go. This could get really expensive if I don't go discount in these transition times when my clothes are starting to literally fall off my body.

The sad fact is that when you're as large as I am, fit is an abstract concept. My weight loss has meant dropping four sizes. In my range, there's so much elastic that there's tremendous leeway in any size. Beyond that, there's even less consistency in plus sizes than there is in regular women's clothing. The tags in my closet hold a range of numbers that are meaningless. Everything has to be tried on. Getting your body in clothing is the first and really embarrassing thing. After that, you're fortunate if the article has any structure other than tent like.

Something happened
to me
when I crossed
that line.

You're really lucky if it isn't covered with something awful like sequined swans or some cutesy embroidered pattern. Finding a designer or name brand that shows an understanding of proportion feels like discovering a new continent.

What will it take for designers to get that armholes don't have to go down to the waistline for a fat woman or that small pockets on the rear of jeans make a big butt look even bigger? Finding clothing with the classic, almost preppy lines that I favor is akin to a Grail quest. I swear there is a halo around my tailored herringbone tweed blazer. Despite my complaints, I still have to say that the availability of attractive clothing for larger women is better now than I have ever seen. It's not easy now, but it was absolutely traumatic when I was a teenager and wanting to dress my age.

My third and largest milestone this week is the hardest to announce, because I'm going to reveal my weight. I'm currently 297.4 pounds. I know I'm still huge, but for the first time in more years than I can remember, I weigh less than 300 pounds. Something happened to me when I crossed that line. Part of me felt no longer human. People just didn't weigh that much. That weight belonged to other species, like all the names -- cow, pig, hippo -- I'd been called so many times. I had become what I had been told I was. Now, I knew this was a pretty sick thought, but it held on persistently. Tonight, when I stepped off the scales, my first thought was, "I'm human again."

I am deliciously, wonderfully human, and I always have been. Seeing these changes in my body and giving myself credit for the necessary work makes it easier to appreciate not just my basic humanity but all the rest of the good stuff that is me as well.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers