Thursday, August 03, 2006


Part of the duality of my nature is that I'm very confident about some aspects of myself and tremendously, massively insecure about others. Skills, professional ability, basic talents and aptitudes, no problem. I know what I've got, and I know it's good. My likeability, however, is one of those insecurities.

I'm used to relationships where I do things for and with people. You need help with that grant proposal or your English paper? Yeah, I'll come over. We'll work on it together and have a good time. Painting party? Count me in! This Volunteer State girl added to the validity of our state's motto for years with organization after organization. I've really enjoyed the people I've come to know through activities like this, and I've had a good time doing these things. I developed real friendships, but the core of the friendship has usually remained the shared activity.

I'm not used to people who just want to be in my life, who just want and enjoy the pleasure of my company and seek it out. I'm the sort of quirky person who grows on people, not the type who just instantly charms others. That's why I've been blown away lately by the number of people who are coming into my life who just seem drawn to me, who want nothing from me and just can't seem to help themselves from being kind to me and saying just the thing that I need to hear.

I don't really know how to handle it, but I'm deeply, deeply grateful. These aren't people with whom I seem to have much in common. Our ages, our professions, our interests, our educations and so much more are different, yet they looked at me and saw me as friend. I've basically been told more than once lately that people want me in their life.

In reading this, it sounds so trite. I know many happy, shiny people who just wouldn't get this at all, who can take for granted that they are wanted and enjoyed. I'm afraid I sound like the most neurotic spaz on the planet, but you know, I just don't care. This is profound to me. I've been given something wonderful, and I've been told to ask for more.

A gift like this only comes from God/dess. That alone is humbling, and it's awesome in the way the word is meant to be used. When you see the hand of the divine in your life, it's hard to be silent about it, and it's hard to explain in an easily understandable way. All I can really say is thank you.


Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Well, I'm not shiny and happy, and I really do get what you're saying. Talk about counting me in: I like you because you're you, Cynthia. I don't need help on my English paper, either! :-)

August 03, 2006 9:10 PM  
Blogger Robbie said...

Hmm...well all I could think was Cynthia must have come into some big 'ol bucks recently to have people wanting to be friends for no apparent reason. ;-D Yeah, I'm a bit cynical lately.

August 03, 2006 9:57 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

Aww honey, it's because you are so very special to us! It's really that simple... you are you, and we like the you you are. ::chuckle:: You don't have to make profound changes to be worthy of friendship... just accepting of what is unconditionally given. :::hugs::: I am so glad you're my friend!

August 03, 2006 11:11 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

God/dess knows that you are going through some difficult times. The Universe often gives great blessings at the same time as it gives great challenges. All we have to do is realize it, and be grateful. And often, we don't. I'm glad to see you do.

And you know I am one of those people(who want you in my life...)

August 04, 2006 12:33 AM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

Reflection my friend....

I would have to say I am drawn...Just because you are just you. I find your eclectic nature(all good all good) a breath of life. A fresh look and like I said a comment before...You can find that ray in all that darkness and clearly point it out...

Quirky is beauty! ;)

August 04, 2006 8:57 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

You have been writing some incredible entries recently, Cynthia, and this is one of the best.

August 04, 2006 6:56 PM  
Blogger Globetrotter said...

As Leonard Cohen sang in "Bird on a Wire":
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, you must not ask for so much.
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, hey, why not ask for more?

It's rare to find a person with a mind and sensitivity like yours, Cynthia. The people you have touched are fortunate. Keep asking for more, girl. You deserve it.

August 04, 2006 7:44 PM  
Blogger Paula said...

You're awesome, Cynthia. That's all there is to it.

August 04, 2006 10:47 PM  
Blogger Paula said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 04, 2006 10:50 PM  
Blogger Shelina said...

What an awesome post! I too doubt my likeability. And I was doing the let me help you thing all the time too. Lately though I've been reading books like The List - 7 ways to tell if he's going to marry yu - in 30 days or less, and Why Men Marry Bitches. I haven't started that second book yet I am reading them not because I want a man or want to follow them, but I am interested in another way of thinking. And both of these books never say you have to be nice - in fact, usually the opposite.

August 05, 2006 11:27 AM  

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