Sunday, January 29, 2006

Reading the cards

I wrote and deleted two previous entries tonight. I found myself really wanting to write, but despite putting some decent words down, I found I just didn't care about what I was writing. For me caring about what I write is essential. I can be writing the most stupid piece of fluff or the most illogical and nonsensical of ramblings, but if I care, it's worth my writing energy and time.

What really bothered me was that I couldn't seem to find anything that I really cared about. I am generally not an apathetic person. I believe in finding and exercising my passion. I know that those passions are there, but there's a lot of sludge between them and my mind right now. Obviously, what I needed to do was focus.

Thoughts were blowing through the brain, just short little snippets that bounced around before creating a big pile of debris. Some were writing prompts I've collected for times when I need a kickstart. Some were self-reprimands about the undone housework and two incomplete short stories, phone calls that didn't get made, the moments of ill temper that my family didn't deserve, reminders of job responsibilities and commands to get my time under control, my energy ramped up and my mind focused.

Finally, I just gave up and realized that what I needed was either dedicated prayer or meditation. Frankly, my spirit wasn't in the right place to pray. True meditation, when I'm this scattered, is just painful. I knew I needed a tool to help me. I pulled out the tarot deck and laid a Celtic Cross spread. I don't think that tarot cards tell the future, but they can help me look at myself. Their descriptions speak in generalities. In trying to see how they fit to my life, I look at what's really going on and get ideas about what I can do.

The card in the self position said that I was a student of the heart and that faith was my guide. Not a bad beginning, if I say so myself. My current situation reminded me to have a beginner's mind and welcome new insights. Damn, there's always a catch. Throw away my pre-conceived notions? I always have trouble getting the trash to the street on time for pick-up day. In challenges, I was reminded to find the power within myself and others and learn from setbacks. OK, I'm doing a little better with that one. The last few years have taught some hard lessons that way. Then came my foundation: "One of your early teachers gave you remarkable insight into the art of loving." I was reminded that I may not intellectually understand these lessons, but I know them and need to heed that inner voice. Advice to love more I will always follow. The card for the recent past said that I was emerging from a chaotic situation and that my core group of people had discovered strengths and channeled them into success. Well, that one woke me up. That's about as concise and accurate description of a good part of my recent past as you can get. I was definitely gaining focus here. Next came the card for a higher power. Its description; "You have been mandated to fulfill a mission, but the status that can result can only be earned by completion of the task." The specific card in that specific position meant a lengthy preparation but that the future was drawing me forward. The next card was for the near future. It said that I have been preoccupied and absorbed, but I was coming out of obscurity and would remember how many people respect and love me. The next card was about blocks and inhibitions. It said that I undermine myself and could be in denial. The advice was basically to concentrate on positive, encouraging behavior and let my negatives wither from lack of attention. My card for Allies told me that I have "one or two people in your life who love you unconditionally" and told me to accept their emotional nourishment. The next card was Advice: Disentangle yourself and start fresh. Become more independent and seek out situations where the way you see things makes sense to those around you. The last card in the spread was for long term potential, and the card I dealt was "The Lovers." Its explanation said that communication can be an attractor, bringing people together in a creative, harmonious way. Need I say that this spoke to my heart?

So, I've read my cards and been reminded that I am a person of faith who is loved, accepted and even admired. I have a purpose in life. I've been hung up in the past, and it's time to let that go, acknowledge my growth and move forward. I need to keep an open mind and be open to learning. I was reminded that I can bring people together, and that my communication skills are one way I can do this.

I already knew these things, but they were buried in the landslide of colliding thoughts from earlier this evening. I can see them now, and they look all bright, shiny and new. I feel more calm, more centered, more able to pray. I'm looking forward to doing my Artist's Way morning pages, and I've got a fun idea for one of my short stories. Playing with cards tonight was time well spent.


Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Your blog looks beautiful. But have you given any thought to enlarging the font? :)

January 29, 2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

I'm with Robin about enlarging the font. My eyesight isn't what it used to be, and I've always found it a bit difficult to read yours. About your apathy: apathy is what I fear most because I've built my whole identity on being caring and engaged. I often feel apathethic when I feel trapped and/or pulled in too many directions. I need lots of alone time and lots of time to just think and be still with myself. If I don't get that, I turn into a pile or rubble. I suspect the pressures of your new job are coming into play. You may be nearing menopause and the diminishing estrogen definitely affects sleep patterns. There's also all that unfinished business to do with your creative life. I've been grumpy myself lately. It's not that I don't feel like writing, it's that I want to be writing all the time and I feel trapped by work. This month has been dragging forever. You know I wish the very, very best for you, Cynthia. Hold on.

January 29, 2006 1:39 PM  
Blogger Wenda said...

Good to see you feeling so renewed and light. Playing with cards sounds like it was just the right sort of play for the day. Playing. I like to do it without cards, too.

January 29, 2006 4:57 PM  
Blogger Judith HeartSong said...

great post and it is always good to free our minds up from proscribed ways of thinking and being to reach new places.

You are awesome.

January 29, 2006 6:40 PM  
Blogger sunflowerkat said...

I don't know much at all about tarot but I'm intrigued that it seemed to stimulate self exploration. Very cool.

January 30, 2006 4:59 AM  

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