Sunday, January 15, 2006

More on my writing life

I really want to thank everybody for the comments y'all have given me lately. There's so much to think about, and I really have been sorting through this. I am standing at a doorway now. In fact, I feel like I'm standing in a room that has multiple doors, and I have to pick which one to enter. This hesitation is sometimes just confusion and sometimes paralysis. I'm afraid if I look too far underneath those sickly emotions, I'll find a serious fear of commitment. Beyond that I'm afraid I'll find that the shell I've built to contain negative self-esteem is so fragile that looking too hard will shatter it, and the poison inside will flood me again.

There is still something in me that sees my writing as a luxury. Writing feels like a selfish thing to me because it brings me such pleasure. Though I've come to accept more selfishness in my life, I haven't shed all of the guilt that accompanies it. The irony of my time writing being the time when I come closest to experiencing selflessness and the abandonment of ego doesn't escape me. As I write this, I can hear the voice within me telling me to shift my perspective and look at my writing for what it can contribute. On a deep level, I know the necessity of this, and I believe that there is something of value within me to contribute. Even now, there is still a hint of fear that the latter part of that statement may be a delusion.

A commitment to my writing is actually a spiritual issue for me. That the Great Creator is the source of everything is beyond doubt for me. Truly committing to my writing means committing to the certainty that any talent I have is a gift with a purpose, and that scares the crap out of me. It's truly a test of faith, of the belief in the providence of my Lord. What I say will be provided. The financial resources to live will be provided. The ability to manage my home with less time given to it will be provided. My family will find their needs met.

Does this mean that committing to my writing means ignoring practicality and personal responsibility? Obviously no. I can't overlook things like sending out 160 resumes and applications and the only job offer I receive comes from a company that I didn't seek out, that called me and offered me a job three times before I accepted and found the opportunity for income provided. I know that I will continue to need an income that my writing is not ready to and may never provide. I know that doesn't mean it's a gift that can be ignored. I know that I will continue to wash dishes and enjoy the double edged gift of my family. I know that I will have to give up something to make a greater commitment. Not knowing what that is scares me as well.

I would like to say that every time I have found myself poised on the precipice of fear and faith, I have leaped faithward. Honesty won't allow that. I'm more the type that has to get smacked (often painfully) on the head with a spiritual issue before I act on it. I've felt the tapping and pushing for some time now. I still have to figure out the hows of accomplishing this, but I have to believe that will be provided as well.


Blogger Barbara said...

I agree that if God gifts you with something, He'll show you the way, the why, the how and all the other answers....but sometimes just one at a time, as you start to move along according to what has already been revealed. I've been working full time hours I'm here playing catch-up in your journal. Go with it, go towards it! For what it counts I'm in your corner.

January 16, 2006 6:02 AM  
Blogger Gabreael said...

You deserve to be centered and focused for some personal time to write. As women in America we are so burden with everyday chores that we often leave nothing for ourselves.


January 16, 2006 12:22 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

God would be disappointed if you did not use this gift. You have this gift and many more. Balance is tough but I know you will find it. Never doubt your talent!


January 16, 2006 5:53 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

This is a great entry. I'm sure that many of us have been thinking about the things you are reflecting on. I realized last night I've been journaling online for almost two years now. I thought it would push me on to something more in terms of my writing, but it hasn't/I haven't. I think it's extremely difficult to ground an already overfull life in writing.

January 18, 2006 7:28 AM  

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