Writer's block

Lately my desire to write has been at the burning level, but my inspiration has been practically non-existent. Sitting down either at the keyboard or with pen in hand feels like work. I've been harshly and pretty deservedly critical of my work. I've got one thing going for me though. I'm still writing every day, whether it's a rambling entry in my private, off line journal, something for the blog, the pages I've written and tossed for the book or some lines that I think will develop into a couple of poems. It's been boring, frustrating drudgery that I know would make me question my ability to write at all if I weren't back on the anti-depressants.

It's also a necessary discipline that will help eventually re-open the creative flow. I think that the first rule of being a writer is that one actually writes. You don't just think or daydream about writing, you actually put words on the page. This is part of actually living my priorities, and I know better than to think that it's always going to be easy.

Writing is a tremendous pleasure in my life. When things are going well, time stops and all is well in the world. The only problem when the writing is going well is that sometime I must emerge from my messy little cocoon of an office and tend to the practicalities of living. There's a big disconnect there, and I think that might be one of the problems that I'm having. I'm still incorporating the idea of myself as writer into my overall sense of identity. I put it away for so long, and now I have to realize that whether I'm washing dishes, collecting documents for work or actually in front of the empty page, I am a writer and need to look at the world through a writer's eyes.

Even though I've been pretty dedicated to it for a few years now, writing still feels like it should be a dream. Fiction and poetry are more important to me than the advertising, PR and grants that I wrote for pay while doing other jobs as well. Now that I'm not earning any of my keep with my writing doesn't make it less important. My stories, my poems, this damn book that just won't leave me alone, are as real and truly more significant than anything I wrote for money, even if to no one else but myself. This is one way that I'm stepping over the line of good behavior. I was taught to value practicality, particularly for the common good, over personal desires.

Realigning yourself with who you are is as frustrating and rewarding as finally getting through writer's block. I know that both will come.

writing