Massive whining

I just feel like garbage tonight. I've been fighting a flare up of a chronic illness that's been dormant for months and a secondary infection separate from but related to the primary illness. Being without insurance, I know that going to the doctor will cost roughly the same as a week's worth of groceries, and other than an antibiotic prescription, which the lack of insurance makes rather unaffordable, there's not much my doctor could do anyway. I've learned the hard way that my home remedies for pain management work as well as the more modern ones and sometimes as well for infections.

These flare ups often happen around times of stress, and with the changes in my life happening right at the beginning of the holiday season, I've had my share. I've handled it fairly well. I'm doing the smart things to manage it, but sometimes I get tired of being strong. I'd love to hand this over to somebody else and say, "You take care of everything for awhile." That's just not going to happen. I have to handle these things on my own. I'd love to just surrender for awhile, cry and mourn these hurts that keep popping their heads out. I'm afraid if I do just surrender that I'd end up staying in some cold, dark place that just reeks of self-pity.

I can handle little bouts of self-pity, as ugly as they are, but I generally hate that emotion. I'd much rather go into the "I'll show you" mode of fighting. A calmer version of me knows that in surrender, I can go through some incomprehensible process and come out the other side of the fear, hurt and even the self-pity. I'm just not ready to do that, but I'm battle weary.

In four months, I'll have insurance again, and I'll have help from my doctor and anti-depressants again. If I hustle my fanny off, I'll be making money before the holidays really hit. If I keep on being a bitch at home, the family will either pitch in more to clean up or spend less time around the house making messes.

Honestly, I'd love to just get stinking drunk tonight, so I could be loose enough to release this night's hurt with tears. I can cry easily over books, movies and things that happen to my friends, but crying for myself was almost trained out of me. I hope at least that these unshed tears will morph into some dream that offers release.