Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Today's realization

You know something is momentous when all other events are either before or after. You know how it is.

That was not long after we were married. That happened weeks after C. was born. I found out about that the day after 9/11. Oh, that was sometime between Mom's and Dad's deaths. Oh, that was right before she went into the hospital. It's been 5 months and 18 days since R. died.

And nothing was ever the same after any of these, but it was.

They cause tremendous changes, but we get used to those alterations soon enough. What was tumultuous has now been accommodated into the routine. The absolute freaking miracle of having a brand new human being in your life soon pales beside weeks without sleep, spit up on everything you own, and dirty diapers. The awareness of how alone you are after your parents die becomes a nod of acknowledgment to your independence.

This is still happening. I no longer expect R. to be here when I wake up. His absence is part of my routine. Yet, there are times I think I hear him, and it feels only normal and right. Then I realize that normality is merely illusion. Those are the raw moments because nothing feels settled then.

Big events, joyous and tragic, stand to the side of normal time. They are our mile markers, our sign posts, our touchstones. It's not just events that they test and measure. They help us see who we were before and after, what changes were wrought and what we did with them. That thought scares me a little since I'm still picking up so many dropped pieces. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's still too soon to tell where this phase of life will take me.

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Blogger Tressa Bailey said...

I wish I could offer you comfort or wisdom. I can't. I can tell you that this entry is beautifully written and that I understand exactly what you are saying about the milestones being our comparisons. You put it so well.

October 14, 2008 7:57 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

I have gone through a time after the loss of a loved one of being angry the world didn't stand still. It can be hard to fathom how a thing that effects you so is totally overlooked by the masses. The coming into a new normal can be frightening, heartbreaking, freeeing and comforting. I wish you safe journey.

October 14, 2008 10:16 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Yet another, aeldom-mentioned, aspect of loss: coming to terms with the reality that we are now someone else, not by choice, and learning to be that person.

October 15, 2008 8:13 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

I tell people that as life goes on, I don't promise that it gets easier, but it does get different and hopefully we are strong enough to dela with it.

October 15, 2008 9:06 AM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Sometimes it takes several years to figure out who you are and where are you are going with that after one of these momentous changes. And it feels like climbing out of a pit. But eventually, you get out and go...on. Somewhere.

October 16, 2008 1:14 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Seeing the healing thought processes that you work through in your mind is something that I hope I can learn from.

October 18, 2008 12:57 PM  

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