Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Angry

I'm really tired about writing about grief and mourning and all this pathetic, sucky stuff. I actually have a real distaste for being a pity sucking drama queen, but this is my life right now. I'm also just angry right now -- at everything.

I'm angry at my husband for not having taken care of himself. Damn it, he knew the last three generations of men in his family died in middle age of heart attacks, just none as young as him. I'm angry at the physical mess he's left me to deal with. My husband had ADD with a co-morbid obsessive compulsive disorder. His didn't take the form of compulsive neatness, hand washing or counting. He was a hoarder, and if he hadn't been kept in some sort of check by the womanchild and myself, our home would have been nothing but piles and piles of stuff -- hardware (hammers, nails, bolts, not PC components), newspapers, what seems like miles of coaxial cable and every now and then, some wonderful things like antique wrought iron or crystal doorknobs. This is a powerful and painful glimpse into a complicated mind. All of his hoarding sprang from a creative impulse that he would someday do something with all this junk, but now, it's just a big mess that depresses, angers and intimidates me every time I look at it. And I'm angry at the people who sneered at him for this trait and thought it was laziness or another character flaw.

I'm PHENOMENALLY angry at fundamentalists now, some of whom I overheard saying it was a pity my husband was in hell because he was such a nice guy. How dare anyone think they know the state of another person's soul? How dare anyone teach that such thinking is appropriate or even Christian? My husband led a much more Christlike life than most people I know. He didn't have much use for organized religion. He didn't have much use for organized institutions. Period. His heart and soul were loving, gentle and nonjudgmental. He didn't give a fig for appearances or position -- his own or anybody else's. He was the most loyal man I've ever known. He never gave up on a friend and was always open to the possibilities of new friendships everywhere. He literally saw the whole world as his neighbor, sometimes that really annoying neighbor, but still. He went out of his way to be kind to people, particularly people who are easily overlooked. The two greatest commandments God gave us were to love God and love others. My husband did both exceptionally well, and I don't have a single doubt about where he's spending his afterlife. Nor would anyone who really knew him.

Another bit of anger is harder to handle. Don't ask me how a particular family member is doing without asking how another is doing as well. This has happened too many times now. It's just rude. One keeps their feelings on the outside and the other on the inside. It doesn't mean the latter deserves less concern or respect.

I know I've seriously gone into the realm of overshare, and I'm trying hard to restrain myself. There's so much I won't say here. My pastor told me the day we met to plan the funeral that it gets worse before it gets better. He was right. I'm in the worse now. I've always been afraid of my anger, and I'm fighting this. I don't even know if I should fight it, but I am. I haven't looked at the stages of grief materials I've been given yet. It's just one more thing I'm not up to yet, but I can feel that this is only natural.

I hope to be able to write about something else soon. I really do. I hope to actually be able to sit down and write thank you notes soon. Oh, I feel guilty about those. It's not lack of gratitude, I promise. In the meantime, I can only focus on the moment at hand and what the immediate needs are. Even with this, it still sometimes feels like too much. That just makes me angry at myself.

16 Comments:

Blogger Songbird said...

I just hate that people would say such things to you. It's wrong in every way.
Anger is hard and scary, but I don't think there is any way through this without it. I hope writing it down helps.

June 03, 2008 10:24 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

...but I can feel that this is only natural...

Exacttly. Feel what you need to feel. Write what you need to write. We are here for you.

June 04, 2008 1:10 AM  
Blogger Magdalene6127 said...

That's such bullshit-- the fundamentalist's comments. Thank God you know better than that. Thank God you know a loving God.

As for the length of your grief... I think grief itself is exhausting, and that makes it seem even longer. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as if you were your very best friend going through this. You deserve whatever time and space this takes.

Praying for you.

June 04, 2008 5:37 AM  
Blogger more cows than people said...

anger makes sense.

and sharing it does too.

i was going to give you a cyber hug... but i think i'll just sit quietly and say a prayer for you. i don't generally want to be touched when i'm angry.

June 04, 2008 7:48 AM  
Blogger RevDrKate said...

I came to your blog from RevGals and read back a ways. Whew! Yes, I would echo what others have been saying, be gentle with yourself, this is hard stuff, it takes time. Relationships that are complicated in life are not uncomplicated by the loss of the partner but made, in mnay ways more-so. The loss of dreams, of possibility, is sometimes the hardest loss of all. And anger is an apppropriate response. Prayers for you.

June 04, 2008 7:49 AM  
Blogger Mary Beth said...

Praying

June 04, 2008 9:25 AM  
Blogger LutheranChik said...

I can so relate to the anger...when my father died, I remember going out to his "man cave" in his garage and just yelling at him in absentia for not taking care of his health, for leaving my mother with so many household tasks undone and for being so hurtful to her especially in their later years...I was VERY angry for many reasons. I agree with the other posts -- let it all out.

And let me also say -- the fundamentalists who encountered are a$$****$. As my therapist once told me, sometimes the best thing to do is put on a game face while thinking all the while, "**** YOU!"

June 04, 2008 12:40 PM  
Blogger Christina K. Brown said...

Cyn..

Grief has five stages according to most doctors on the subject. Anger is one of them... http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html

denial
Anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

Life is complicated, death is complicated and no one has the right to tell you where you should be in your feelings.

How I wish that people were not so judgmental and rude but the bible says we will be surprised by who is in heaven and even more so by who is not. There is no excuse for rudeness.

Covering you in prayers, that you may held close in the arms of the Lord as you endure this part of your grief.

xxoo

June 04, 2008 12:45 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

You know what? I think a LOT of fundamentalists will be surprised at who IS in heaven... and who is NOT.

(Cynthia)

love,
Deb
from RevGals

June 04, 2008 6:00 PM  
Blogger EmJayDee said...

Visiting via RevGals. I'm in first year since my Mum died and it is an interesting journey for me. Completely different to yours of course and I wouldn't presume to try and understand or to think I know what it's like for you. I play my cards closer to my chest and I appreciate your openness. I DOOOOOO love your banner (that's what I came to see after all). It is brilliant.

June 04, 2008 6:12 PM  
Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It would be too much, overwhelming, for most of us. It hasn't been very long at all since this happened; I think you have to give yourself time, and take good care of yourself, as best you can, in the meantime. Lisa said it so well: we are here for you.

Judi

June 05, 2008 12:35 AM  
Blogger Muthah+ said...

Hang in sistah, it doesn't help to really know the stages of grief when you still have to go through them. Stuff will subside when it is the right time. And the right time is between you and God. Keep writing, keep processing. It's ok. We are all around and most of us have been through something like this.

I have a roommate and a brother who hoard. Quietly go through stuff--with help if you can find it. But don't try to do it while you are still angry. You will find things that will turn you to mush; you will find stuff that will enrage you. And there will be things in the hoards that will just make you laugh. But most of all, take your time.

You are in my prayers.

June 05, 2008 9:16 AM  
Blogger Christina K. Brown said...

Cyn...
I hope I didn't offend you, I was only trying to say anger is normal hun.

xxoo

Extending apologies.

June 05, 2008 3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just want to reassure you that the so-called stage of grief mentioned by a previous person are actually stages of dying (Kubler-Ross). In my experience grief is far too topsy-turvy to be divided into stages and to do so only adds to the anguish I found. Go gently, and go gently with yourself - peace

Jaybee

July 07, 2008 4:04 AM  
Blogger TJ said...

Give yourself a break.
It's been hard, damn hard and you have every right to all the emotionally rides and recourse. I am so sorry for all your loss.
Hugs
TJ

August 01, 2008 8:03 AM  
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