Thursday, May 22, 2008

Surviving a day

This has been one of the hardest days I've had since my husband died. On my days off, I've been coming close to being a hermit, my traditional, trusty, old reliable self-protective mechanism. I know this territory well. The scariest thing here is what's inside my head, and though that's scary enough, I have an idea of how to handle it. I reserve a good bit of energy to be outgoing and cheerful at work, and though I know what a hollow sham that really is, it gets me through.

Today though, I had things I had to do. A migraine on Monday led to my blood pressure getting checked, and before the demerol kicked in, the ER doc told me to follow up with my doctor. I went today, and found out the RN there had told R. only two weeks before he died that some things he was wondering about sounded like cardiac symptoms that he should have checked out. Of course, he didn't follow through. I found out today that she had been widowed in her forties as well. For some reason, this opened up the dam, and some stuff I haven't been able to say just poured out. Now, in the past, I've done this only with very, very close friends. Losing it with a professional acquaintance would have been unheard of. Near strangers tell me stuff like this, not the other way around. It just feels strange. Then in my exam, I could just tell that my doctor was taking more than usual time, almost as if afraid of missing something. It cracked open the door to my poorly concealed hypochondria, and though basically healthy, I'm feeling my own mortality.

Throughout my other errands, I kept running into people I haven't seen, people who wanted to offer kindnesses. People have been wonderful. A private person, I often feel anonymous, and that illusion has been shattered. I truly appreciate the love that's coming forth right now, but it still makes me uncomfortable. In some ways, it pulls on the wound. I don't know how to handle this, and as a result, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. That's one of the ugliest emotions I know. I'm rolling in it and hating myself for it. I feel like a pre-schooler screaming, "But that's not fair!" and the mean old adult saying, "Who said life was fair in the first place?" at the same time.

In one day, I've been hurting, fearful, grateful, embarrassed, loved, self-pitying, disgusted with myself, angry, anxious and now exhausted. I have to gear up for work tomorrow and the results of a visit from higher managers. Though not worried, it's a concern. C.'s graduation is tomorrow night, and I'll be around a lot family and friends. I so wish R. could be there, and while I'm so proud of C., part of me is dreading the evening.

This is the kind of day when I have to remind myself to breathe.


Blogger Songbird said...


May 22, 2008 8:05 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Congratulations and very best wishes to C!

I know from sad experience how very difficult it is to make your way through a joyous event like a graduation when everyone around you is exploding with joy and pride and your life is so marked by grief and loss and destroyed expectations. I hope that both of you find pockets of delight somewhere in the day and evening ahead.

May 23, 2008 7:06 AM  
Blogger Mimi Lenox said...

Take care of yourself...

You've been tagged by Mimi Queen of Memes
BlogBlast For Peace ~Join The Revolution

May 23, 2008 6:45 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

(((((Big old hug))))) Love you. Breathe. :-]

May 23, 2008 11:01 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

So many marches on.

May 24, 2008 10:53 AM  
Blogger Christina K. Brown said...

Reading your words brings back a flood of familiar things; of feelings that were very much like yours. And yet they were my own.

It is hard for the survivor to get threw it but it does happen and joy is out there for you. God has a plan for your life.

Honest Cyn.


Believing in what can not be seen...and breathing.

Hope Floats came out when Gil died and that movie spoke to me because it was alot like how it felt to be me except her ex does not die. Let hope float up to the top.

Happiness is out there for

May 24, 2008 12:41 PM  

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