The little things
They trap me. I don't know why I don't see them coming by now, but I don't. Tonight, the husband came over with intentions of painting my office as he's promised to do for about two years now. He brought in stuff, cluttered the office floor so that walking is dangerous and then went outside to get more stuff. Stuff is the bane of our marriage, but that's another blog entry. He came in a few minutes later, asking me to take a look at a new cut on his thumb.
We headed to the bathroom where I cleaned and bandaged the cut in a no nonsense, not going to let this get infected way. Yet the simple act of putting a band-aid on his finger just felt so right and so natural and now so uncommon that it's grabbed me. I'm really no longer a wife, yet I feel like I am and ought to be. Yet, I'm not, really. We may not have finished the paperwork, but the stuff that makes a marriage is gone, and I don't see how it can come back. I'm the one who wants this divorce. I'm the one who asked him to move out. I know all the reasons why and how this marriage is over, but here I am, feeling this way.
Still, I miss those moments of familiarity, of the perfect rhythm of two people who have done a simple thing together many times before. I didn't expect the feelings and habits of 20 years of marriage, nearly 21 now, and 5 years of dating to disappear overnight. I did think that nine months down the road, it would take more than a band-aid to make me feel this tender again.
marriage, separation, divorce
posted by Cynthia at
9:55 PM
8 Comments:
i get it. just your description of bandaging his thumb made me feel tenderness... one wouldn't think something so simple, so little could be so intimate, but... it is. (((cynthia)))
I think it takes a long time to unmarry someone (I was also married just over 20 years, though he wanted the divorce, not I). Honor your feelings. You wouldn't want to be that person, I'm going to guess, who could completely detach from those feelings in such a brief interval. Whether this is your choice or not, marriage is a long habit, and like any other habit, takes a long time to undo and to replace with a new habit.
Peace (((Cynthia))).
Mags
How...sad. Then again, it makes sense. A twenty-six year connection doesn't just go poof and disappear. The marriage may well be over, but the relationship is not. Hugs from me as well...
Years ago I represented a man in a divorce that could have been quite amicable, but for the fury fanned in his wife by her high-profile take-him-for-all-he's worth counsel. After the final hearing, the magistrate remarked, "She never took off her coat. That woman is really angry. That much anger is not good."
I found the entire situation so sad. No children, but they had been married many years and lived in this city far from either of their families. They were the people who knew each other best in the world, and things had ended in such a way that neither of them would ever again call the other in the event of disaster.
I would go your way, painful as it is, anytime.
Very touching.
Having been through this, I know what you mean. I tell people often that no matter what my ex and I share a long history and we are both the parents of our son. There are some times that cannot be cut.
Over time more distance does take place. Especially if and when you meet someone else.
I can so relate to this. I was married for 26 years, and have been divorced for 7, but Nelle is right. In my case, I've known my ex for almost 40 years, and we're the parents of 4 kids and the grandparents of 1, so perhaps it's no surprise that we're the best of friends, and look out for each other, although each of us has moved on from the marriage. When the time comes, we will still look out for each other, I've no doubt of that, as strange as that may sound...
Judi+
Tenderness never dies easily. I'm in your shoes this night, and I know exactly what you mean.
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