Selfish bitch

iam a cold-hearted, selfish, self-centered bitch. At least that's what I feel like today.

To be honest, I've had one of those days straight from hell. It started this morning when I was leaving for work. Though I'd salted my steps and walkway yesterday, there was still enough re-freezing overnight for ice to be an issue. I was walking carefully, but of course, I found the black ice, tumbled down the steps and landed on my bum knee -- the one that the doctor said would probably be replaced with an artificial joint by now. It's sore, tender and swollen, and I expect to be back on my cane for a few days. To be on the safe side, I decided to go the doctor when swelling started making my too big, fat pants feel tight. The husband had an appointment for a medication review today, and we went together. My knee was the simple part. It's twisted, but that's all.

The next rough part kicked in when I decided to stay in the office for my husband's appointment. This was a smart decision, but one I initially resisted making. One of the issues that has led to our separation has been his not taking responsibility for either his own life or his family. We laid it off first to depression, then to his ADD medication which seemed just not right, then to confusion, and finally, to his just being a poor excuse for a man. Somewhere I knew that wasn't true. I'm not the sort of woman who would fall in love with a poor excuse for a man.

But something just wasn't right. He's had serious personality changes, going from being the outgoing, gregarious life of any party, a sweet, tender, sympathetic, spontaneous, fun and intelligent man to someone moody, irritable, sad, silent, and distant. I've been asked if he was slow. Friends and family members have called him a bum. Our family has been hit with some of life's serious stressors over the last few years. Deaths, major illnesses and the subsequent care giving, career changes and job loss just top the list, but are nowhere near all of it. It has seemed like just as we were getting a grip on one Big Thing, another Big Thing would happen. A counselor I saw before my insurance changed said it was like getting hit with a tornado right before a hurricane blew into town the week after an earthquake. This has taken its toll on me (I actually used to be fun.) as well as him, but I simply haven't had the strength to handle his issues as well as the womanchild's and mine.

When we saw the doctor today, I started telling her the whole story: the personality changes, the stressors, his family history of the previous three generation of men in his family dying of heart disease complicated by diabetes, reminding her of his high blood pressure and cholesterol, forcing him to 'fess up about his fast food diet and smoking. Her reply was it's distinctly possible you've had a stroke and not known it. Blood was drawn. Machines were pulled into the office and hooked up to bunches of little sticky tabs placed on his body.

Today's result was an EKG showing a possible anterior heart attack. Getting referrals to specialists through our insurance program is a nightmare, so they are calling us back with times, places and dates for an ultrasound of his heart, an MRI of his head and a cardiologist appointment. An appointment with the neurologist is expected after the results of the MRI are in.

OK, all of this can explain the personality changes and the lack of motivation to do his share to take care of his family. I feel like a bitch for not bringing this to someone's attention earlier. It's possible he really hasn't been able to. I feel like a bitch because part of me doesn't want to handle this, and I don't know if he can handle it on his own. I'm tired, really bloody, fucking tired of handling everything for him and for everybody else in my family. Yet that in sickness and health thing does mean something. I've done the richer or poorer, and just kept getting poorer. I've hung in there through good times and bad, and the good times feel like a distant, fading memory.

I was just getting to a point where I felt like I could do some things for myself, things I really need to do, like my weight loss and tending my own emotional and health issues, maybe even finding a way to write more and find a job I actually enjoy. Now, damn, am I going on the back burner again? That's the only way I know how to do things. After all, there is only so much one person can do, and in weighing the priority of needs, mine have seemed to come up on the lighter end, the ones that could wait. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm a selfish bitch.

And I'm not. My needs are real too, and I am, repeat, bloody, fucking tired. I don't know how much more I have available to give.

This day has just sucked. Where is my damn xanax?

heart attacks, family dynamics, selfishness, stress