Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Fat

while reading news, I got diverted this morning by Tyra Banks and her crisis over being called fat. She weighs now in my recommended weight range, and she's two inches taller than I am. I can't imagine myself at that size. I haven't weighed that little since high school, and it still doesn't feel like a realistic goal to me. It's too intimidating, and I'm better off just thinking about making sure that my lunch is healthy, appetizing and in good proportions.

It's hard to get out of my mind though. Tyra Banks is one of the most beautiful women in the world. She is healthy, active, well proportioned and toned, and people are still calling her fat. Though it's hard to imagine myself now at that size, I remember what it was like the last time I weighed that. I was considered irredeemably fat and ugly.


The external
motivation
is
mutilated.
When I see a picture of my younger self, that's the last thing I think. My reaction now is how did I not know that I was a babe.

As a recovering people pleaser, part of me is sad that knowing that when I reach that goal of a healthy weight, there are still people who will delight in ridiculing me. That makes this effort seem a little futile. I have many reasons for wanting to lose weight. There are things I want to do in this life that I can't do if my blood pressure is sky high, and my joints won't support me. The majority of my reasons for losing weight are strong and healthy, but I do want people to react to me better.

The people who love me loved me before I started Weight Watchers. They loved me before I started slowly losing weight again two years ago. There are people who will never like or approve of me regardless of what I weigh. I know that, and the negative reaction people still hold to women who aren't seriously thin still gets to me. It feels like a lose-lose situation with a goal that can never be reached. What's even sadder is how people delight in the meanness of letting another person know that they're just not good enough.

To accomplish a goal, one does best to have both internal motivators that come from self alone and external motivators that come from the world around them. When our culture is feeding us such crap about what makes a woman attractive enough, acceptable enough, good enough, the external motivation is mutilated. I have to look inside myself now to find out if my own opinion of myself is enough to carry me through. My voice on this matter is soft and a little shaky, but I know my answer is yes.

, , , weight loss,

3 Comments:

Blogger Lisa :-] said...

People who are going to judge you or be rude to you based on your weight/appearance, are people you don't need to know anyway.

January 31, 2007 11:45 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

You will feel so much healthier and be healthier when the weight comes off. I'm rooting for you, Cynthia. I've gone on a makeshift diet of my own. I'd like to take off about 20 pounds before Spring. I miss my ice cream and pop corn!

February 02, 2007 10:06 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

It is seriously demoralizing when I see stories in the media like Tyra's. I would kill to weigh 161. But if people will still call me "fat" then what's the use in trying? Then I remember I want to live longer, be here for my sons, ride the roller coasters. I hope I find the motivation one of these days soon.

February 04, 2007 7:08 PM  

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